This was supposed to be Day 16 but a lot has been going on in my head. I still find myself sitting and staring at the screen. I’ve changed the day 3 times already. Yes,… More
So, what do I know about Hope? Hope is exhausted, confused and overwhelmed. That’s what I know about Hope. Hope has also been staring at this screen for 45 minutes now not writing anything.
Ok, enough talking about myself in the third person. lol I have the time to write in private and what happens? I get a case of the brain farts. No, I don’t have a lot of alone time, not with The Body’s bf here ALL THE TIME. Except today… all I know is he was going somewhere that is about 45 minutes away. Hopefully he comes back with a fucking job. So that gives me time without worrying about him watching what I am doing.
I saw my psych doc yesterday evening. She gave me pointers on some stuff to do. One very important one was to write things down somehow, someway. Password protect my phone. You see, he claims he doesn’t go through my stuff yet one day he asks me why some of my conversations are deleted. How the fuck would you know that if you weren’t snooping?? (Ok, password protection is done… I put it as something none of us can forget lol my thumbprint.)
I know that I don’t care for him. I only met him 12 days ago. I know OF him but I don’t know him. Yeah, I’m finding out little things that are really out there about him. Like blaming me for McDonald’s putting cheese on his burger. The thing that threw me was that he was serious. I mentioned that to Kiki and Marion today and the both of them were not surprised. They said that is typical for him. I was like… WOW. Just WOW.
I know that I can’t bring up him leaving until I know what the fuck was happening in the relationship that brought about the creation of a whole new altar… me. I just found blogs yesterday that Mel wrote only as far back as December 13 tho. It’s not a lot of information but what is there is gold for me. It’s really confusing and kind of scary to find out there is a whole lot that I do not know. I was thinking I just needed to find out what happened between Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. HA! Wrong. Finding those blog posts told me that it went farther back than I was aware of. Then I was told by Mel that the bf also ruined Thanksgiving. I don’t know how. And it doesn’t really matter right now because I found out from Kiki and Marion that whatever has been happening has been happening for quite a while. And… I just checked something I was led to and see emergency phone numbers on a piece of paper that has something else written underneath it with a date of September???! Oh God, this is so hard and so exhausting with this information trickling in.
There is a call I still have to make but when I do, it will make things a bit more real. I don’t know if I can handle that today. Not after yesterday’s data dump. I am just grateful that I have some time alone, not sure just how much more time I will have before he gets back here.
I know I am different from The Body just by comments he makes. I hate being talked about like I am someone else. He even commented that I must be getting dementia lol. I mean I can understand that on his end I am still the same girl he has been with for 2 years. He has no clue that I have only been here and known him for 12 days now. She may have loved him but I don’t really care for him.
I’m kind of lying low and playing my cards as close to the vest as possible until I get a handle on what the fuck happened that broke us. The Collective is gone, what is left is a gaping black hole leaving me, Melany, Diane, DieAnne, Rachel, Wendy and the other Dark Ones that are under Mels charge. The Light Ones are all gone, sucked and swept away into nothingness. I don’t feel them and from what I read, they were taken away, left, whatever happened when Melany was here at some point in mid December.
Idk… writing hasn’t been helping me unravel stuff like I had hoped. Maybe it is just taking it’s time? It is quite a bit to process. So, I think I will stop for now and I hope to write more later… we shall see how long I get to myself. I never know because he never tells me the truth. So he could be here in 5 minutes or 5 hours. And in the back of my mind I wonder each time I hear noises outside, when am I going to hear the key, what mood is he going to be in? It really sucks not knowing. And apparently as I found out today he doesn’t like to be asked where he is going. I guess The Body was ok with that?? Not me, I like common courtesy. To him, it is all of a sudden that she (me) is asking where he is going. Lol, no, not really… it’s just me being curious. Get used to it brothah, as I gain more knowledge of the past few months or so you are going to see me come out of my shell more.
Well, Pixie wants attention and I am tired of sitting so I am going to make something to eat and play with her for a while.
A beautiful chaos. That’s what I feel like. Not so much beautiful myself but the chaos in itself is strangely beautiful. It’s a chaotic creation going on here. Yup, that’s for sure.
A chaotic creation, yes that is what I feel like. Unstable elements. Floating by, grabbing hold for how long they see fit. Raining their influence down on me. Why are they doing this? I really don’t know why. I do know that I am feeling one or more of them today. Maybe that is what the buzzing noise is in my head? The more that are influencing the louder the noise? Idk. All I know is that it is loud again today. (Actually, it’s been loud all three days… )
I’m trying to figure out what I have access to. Kind of get an idea of where I stand here. I know that I have to get used to having a name as well as The Body’s name too. Ugh. I’m just glad today is the day we go to the therapist. (This was on day 10)
And go we went… for me, it was the first time there. Long story short here… we decided that I need to figure out what happened between Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. So that is now my mission. I was able to get some information from Kiki and Marion… enough to know that what I thought was a dream really happened. *le sigh*
So, I’ve got to let that process and fully understand that it was not a dream and it really happened. Today I found out that I see my Psych Doc later on today. Good thing they did a reminder call yesterday or I wouldn’t have known. There is a lot to process. Just getting through the day is hard enough without all this other stuff bombarding me.
I’m still figuring out “me”. So to start that… I am going to go back through my blog and see what else may have been posted (if anything) during that time. It is definitely overwhelming. Especially having to do all this covertly. Living with someone I’ve only known for 11 days now makes it really hard. How do you explain to someone that even though you have been together for just over 2 years you’ve only known them for 11 freaking days!!! Yea, do that and try not to sound crazy.