A Knife To The Heart

I have to say that with everything going on right now… The Meld, losing our home, being broke, trying to get the SSI info completed. SSI… That’s interesting, we’ve been working on it for a couple of weeks now and just can’t get it done without problems. Panic attacks because the bank is taking us to court again and that wasn’t expected. We can’t go anywhere but the therapists without the imminent threat of those panic attacks. (The holders of the knife are not aware of the fact that we are struggling so badly… why? read…)

The knife to the heart is this: to some of us it feels like some of our siblings are pretty much ignoring us. (That’s how WE feel, not necessarily what is.) We told one of them about the DID and the struggles… I don’t think it was intentional but the way the conversation went it had to be done. She seemed understanding and asked questions for a few days on and off via text. Seemed very supportive and caring… however… Since then, have not heard anything. Nothing. Not one word of “How are you doing?” “Is there anything you need?” No call or text or anything to even just check in. Excuses when we did reach out…  It’s more like we’ve been Checked Off. This has been over a month now. I see that 2 of my sisters are spending the day together today going shopping for Christmas. Was I even asked if I wanted to go? If I was up to going? Just an invite would have been nice… noooo it gets posted on Facebook saying they are spending the day together. Why would someone get upset about posting something if they themselves posted it in the first place? A curiosity for sure. Not my problem. It’s my life. No one can take that from me. My feelings are my feelings… just multiply that by whoever is close by especially the younger ones who felt rejected anyway. I have to deal with not only my (Diana 12/17/13) feelings but the ones that are aware and awake at the time, then the ones they tell or go to for comfort… I have to feel those feelings too on top of mine. Talk about exhausting.

When I have called just because I needed to talk to someone, it didn’t go too well at times.

I can’t just call one of them because it usually turns into something else and I end up feeling more hurt and alone. It is partly that fear from the younger ones who are very insecure.

If someone doesn’t talk about what the initial call was going to be about.. the person on the other end has no clue and wonders why didn’t I say anything or why did they hear about it from someone else. It’s hard and I’m sure that my feeling of a twist of the knife leaves them confused and possibly wondering if they did something wrong. No, it’s just living like this and trying to hide it as best as we thought we could. People – family, may say they are there for you no matter what… but there is always the unspoken “but not this matter… it’s too uncomfortable and it’s easier to just stuff you in the closet with your issues… don’t ruin my day.” Hey I don’t want to hear some of my altars complaints either so… lol I just can’t “hang up the phone”… they just keep talking, whatever… Hard for me and hard for my family. If DieAnne initiates the call she cannot talk to anyone so by the time the first few words come out of our mouth, it may be Roxy or even Heidi. My poor siblings… if I can’t understand all my me’s how can I expect them to? Especially seeing we kept this under wraps for most of our adult life.

They are the type that will say… “Why didn’t you call, tell me etc.”…  and be all caring AFTER the fact with the “Why didn’t you say something, call me talk to me we are there for you… ” Yea after the fact. Now go back a few sentences and read thru that orange part again.

If I knew one of my siblings was going through what I am going through, you bet your ass I would be checking in on them and helping out. Not posting about going here and there without them without even asking if they wanted to go too… Yes that still stings but not so much.

Not one of them has offered to help out the way a few good friends have. That has changed, things are getting a tiny bit better with me being more open. (Diana 12/17/13) 🙂

It doesn’t matter if I am able to go or do something, but just being asked and included means the world. I don’t get that from them at all. It’s like I’ve been stuffed in my room again to be ignored.

Why couldn’t they have just asked if we wanted to go with them too… they know we are home and not working. They don’t know that I would have had to decline anyway… but just to be included… just to be asked. No, we see it on Facebook and it was a knife to the heart and it hurts terribly. It accentuates the fact that we are alone even though we are not, we are.

Just to be asked… how hard is that? We all live close by too…

Ignored again… another knife to the heart another twist of the knife… it hurts deep.

I don’t like tears but here they are… again.

I believe this was a conglomeration from the darker ones of the collective. Diane, Heidi.. those guys.

(Updated by Diana 12/17/13)

2 thoughts on “A Knife To The Heart

    1. Thank you Suzy! I am happy to say that between two friends today, they eased the pain. Yes, we share the same heart and the hurts affect each of us differently. When you think about it, it’s pretty interesting!


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