This post here is something that is akin to having salt thrown in your eyes and then shoved into a bare bones room where you are left by yourself wondering why. (back when I was a kid there was no electronics like there are today. You had one TV, a phone that hung on the wall that had the dial instead of keys, my bedroom all I had besides the usual bedroom furniture was a turntable and radio. No phone. No TV. That was it. Oh, and my stuffed animals.)
Family members can be the biggest bag of salt. I changed my name after I was divorced, late ’90’s maybe 2001. They were aware that I was going to change it (but at that time no sibling knew about the DID that I know of anyway) and I asked them to respect the name change. It was totally different from The Body‘s birth name or married name.
WOW did the shit hit the fan within The Collective because the siblings were in an uproar and said they would not call me by the new name. Even though it was done through probate court. When the Judge approved it The Body’s new generic name is on our Social Security Card, Drivers Licence, birth certificate and all legal.
Friends who truly care and a very very limited number of family members will call us by the legal name and it makes us feel like a person and not invisible, uncared for, unwanted or like trash to be tossed in a dumpster and locked away alone. I have not found a way to get them to understand how important it is to be called by your name. My name is MY name. When others were around they did not ask to be called by their names, they were ok with the generic one… Mollie however would call us by our names she got to know us and she was a blessing.
It was our decision in picking the first and last name we did back then. It is just a generic term for a female and the last name is just an anonymous name that The Collective agreed was the fairest and least stressful. They each couldn’t have their own name legally. The Body can only have one legal name. How would that be explained to the Judge who approves these things?
I don’t understand why the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally can hurt you the most. Isn’t family supposed to have your back when you need it most? Not make you feel unwanted and like something they want to scrape off their shoe…
I totally get how hard or uncomfortable it can be for others to be calling someone they have known by one name for years and all of a sudden they are introducing themselve(s) by another name. (My friends who have embraced this are lifesavers!) The problem is even though we share the same Body, we are not one. We are also individuals who happen to be stuck in one body. The ones who care really try, they ask questions, all kinds and those questions are good for me. It helps me understand what is happening inside with everyone seeing they have been stuffed and as hard as we could try we could not find a long term steady balance for a very long time. The ones who understand and still want us in their lives as if nothing changed I love them dearly! They are an oasis in the chaos.
Now we have an additional problem. I’m here (Diana) and can tell by how things are moving in a more positive and calming manner that I will be here for a while. To have my family call me by MY name… ooh this is going to be interesting if we go there for Christmas. They don’t like to call The Body the legal name and will call it the birth name. That hurts so badly and can bring out some of the darker ones that we have to calm down to get through the day or night. Even thinking about it is stirring the dark ones and that it not a good thing. If I start feeling DieAnne.. this will be cut short and continued if necessary.
It feels like I’m that kid on the playground that everyone picks on until they cry while the bully(s) laugh and continue antagonizing by saying it over and over when they won’t even try to understand and see how it effects us. We would get all kinds of flack and those looks that just make you feel like a dirty little girl sitting in a pile of crap. Unloved, unwanted. Kicked to the curb.
I am Diana and I don’t care who doesn’t like it. They should really think about how they would feel if the situations were reversed or if I called them by someone elses name and continued doing so even though I knew it hurt their feelings.
How many times can you ask the same thing from someone before it’s just too uncomfortable to continually remind them.
My friends treat me with more respect than some family members. They don’t treat me as if they just drank a big gulp of sour milk or moldy OJ.
Before DieAnne gets up (I made her a compromise to keep her calm and it has nothing to do with physical harm. lol) I just want to say thank you to a few friends who have really made a huge positive difference in how I am able to deal with all of this! We have Marion, Hoda, Dot and Mollie even though Mollie is an angel in heaven now. I will say I love and appreciate you guys. Without the recent opening up just this past couple weeks I don’t know if I would be here writing this. They say blood is thicker than water but blood can throw clots that can kill you. Water is purifying.
Anyway… they are blurring my vision and making it hard to concentrate… and now more than one wants to do things at the same time… ugh… more compromise but I love my Collective!!!
All I know is that DieAnne is stirring a little now and I’m ending this post.