Initially, we did not know we were “We” and not “I”. I don’t have a specific date when we actually shattered. What I do know is that it was at a young age, still no info on how young. Or why for that matter, even after years of therapy we have not uncovered the cause. Just young enough to remember that I always found myself alone in my room being punished, grounded whatever you want to call it. Why? I don’t know that either but what I DO know is that my parents did the best they could at the time. At the time my mom was dealing with a total of 4 kids all pretty close together.
Mind you I wasn’t in my room for months on end, but I would be told to stay there and I wasn’t getting the family interaction like my siblings had. I did get some, yes, but the closeness they developed made me feel left out, not intentionally but it also was all they knew. I was always the bad kid, the black sheep, the one who was grounded for days, or weeks on end, the one who did this or that and would deny doing or saying things. It was stressful for me and my family even as a child to deny doing things that they said “I” did. I was feeling like I was just being blamed for stuff just for a reason to “banish” me. Enough to end up in what I called solitary confinement quite often. Alone. All alone. Left out. The problem was that no one knew what was ‘wrong’ with me. So they in a sense shunned me and I lost out on so much in getting to really get close to my siblings. I know they love me, I know they have a hard time understanding me. It’s a learning experience all around. It’s a hard thing to explain and share, especially with family. I need my family and for them to understand me. I’m just recently learning the effect my alters and myself have on others. It’s shocking and upsetting for me but a huge eye opener and it is helping me.
What no one knew was that something happened that shattered that little girl enough to bring about the alters. I wish my parents were alive now so I could get some answers. The Mother passed when she was in her early 40’s so I really never got the chance. I just started to get to know both my parents shortly before they passed… I’m talking just a matter of a month or so for each. That is a huge devastating loss for me. I miss them and it hurts because I need them now more than ever. But I have my siblings and some close friends who I’ve shared with so I am grateful for that.
I had gotten to ask my Pop one day before he passed (way too young… he was only in his early 50’s) why was I always in my room kept away like that?(I believe I was barely into my 20’s then) His answer, plain and simple… “We didn’t know what to do with you.” He realized then as I am now that was part of what worsened my issue. Having a defiant kid is bad enough but when you have a defiant kid with a bunch of alters she herself is not even aware of… well. I feel for my parents and my siblings.
February 20 1991 was the date of the reverse shatter.
Oct 8 2013 was the date that something shifted, I landed in the ER that day. That was the start of the formal jelling of The Meld.
November sometime around the 19/20th I was here. Diana and I feel great. Still stressed out but better!
Opening up about thing is a huge weight off my shoulders however it may have put a huge weight on some friends and family’s shoulders. I am sorry for that. I love them and never meant to make any of them feel uncomfortable.
Any questions and observations about how I (Diana) am different from the blonde are welcome and not only help others understand but more importantly help me understand.