Trying to make more sense of everything.


I love my sisters and my brother and do not want them to take anything the wrong way or wonder why I never said anything about the DID before now. Not publicly anyway. There were only about 4 people who knew all these years and never said a word… to my knowledge anyway. With my siblings, there have been some hurt feelings, confusion and misunderstandings etc. That makes me feel sad and I want them to understand and not feel the confusion I know they must feel.

whowhatwhere

Maybe something in this post will help them understand a little better and if they have questions, that will help me understand better as well. 🙂

How can you tell someone, especially your siblings who grew up with you that you have DID? I’m guessing it makes them think a little differently about things from the past. 

How do you explain that you live with this disorder every day but had no idea that everyone else wasn’t like you. Plus you still don’t fully understand yourself, yet I’ve never known anything else.

Would you know you were different if you didn’t know you were different?

I know one thing I realized is that close family members (siblings, my son..) just know you as you are, they see you if not on a daily basis but enough to just react as “that’s my mom, or sister… ” that’s just how they have always seen you  lol. Sometimes in a funny way sometimes not funny at all. People who you interact with every day don’t take too much off stride. People who have not seen or talked to you in a while can notice some changes… Just ask Marion about her hubby.

Now past comments I remember being offended by make sense.. talking long time ago here. For example many many many moons ago Celine told “me” to please not embarrass her by yelling stuff out the car window. (Don’t know where we were going.) My thought was “Why the hell would I even think of doing that?!” Now it gives me pause… there must have been one that liked yelling out car windows at people. I don’t know. I just know I’m still insulted and hurt by that and pissed off at whoever that one was. No one is fessing up here either. How do I know my sister wasn’t just messing with me? I don’t.

All my life up until the mid 90’s I had no clue. I was always getting yelled at, blamed, accused etc… then sent to my room. (I found out the reason I was always in my room was because my parents didn’t know what to do with me. We were in there a lot.) I guess it kept them from pulling their hair out lol. With their own lives and jobs, 3 other kids to raise… I guess I can understand sweeping me under the rug so to speak.

I’m glad to have that understanding… even though both parents passed way too young so there will be a lot of unanswered questions for me. I have let that go, there is nothing I can do about it so why hang on and make myself nuts.

I only found out in Feb. 1991 but still didn’t know what “it” was. That was the reverse shatter when we realized we were all in one body! Didn’t know about the DID, just that there were more than one of me in The Body.

Who is to say what “Normal” is for someone else.. who were we to decide what we thought they wanted us to be to qualify as “Normal” lol. We wanted to qualify as normal for anyone we interacted with. Now THAT’S nuts! How could anyone know what someone else’s normal is????

I wanted to “Be seen as Normal”. Now I have my chance… I am normal for me. Sort of I guess.

By hiding my true selves from people, especially family they now have no idea who I am. I never gave them the chance to know ALL of me.

I pre-judged and I apologize.

I tried to be what I thought ‘normal’ would mean for them. That didn’t work out so well.

Each altar has their own “Normal” so trying to be what others expected us to be was, well… totally impossible and it finally blew up in my face on October 8th. 2013 The Blonde ended up having to go to the ER (BP Spiking, dizziness, confusion and she couldn’t see straight) but Heidi ended up in the psych part of the ER instead.

No clue what happened… I still only feel a memory of being put in the ambulance then the next thing I see is Heidi huddled in a corner in a bare bones room not being treated for what we were sent there for. Can you say clusterfuck? Shit like that has happened before.

The only reason I shared finally is because I can’t live trying to hide it anymore. I was headed straight for either a heart attack, stroke or worse. I had no choice anymore. I need my sisters and my brother. October 8, 2013 was a turning point and there was no holding back anymore. I truly thought I was going to die as well as my circumstances were killing me slowly.

It takes a lot out of a person to keep a whole bunch of altars tucked away. How is anyone on this planet expected to know what another person expects of you… you try living in that unnecessary guessing game.. it’s impossible. If you are always trying to act like you think you are ‘supposed to”… how on earth can you find out who you are, you need to accept the previously unacceptable to live.

If I do to my altars what was done to me… how can I learn? How can I get to know them if they get stuffed away and you keep some of these guys stuffed… it can turn out bad for The Collective as a whole.

I can get that it is hard to call someone a different name, however they cannot get how hurtful it is to call me by the wrong name.

How were they supposed to know who was around?

All I know is that me, Diana, am here and I live everyday trying to take in as much as possible because I don’t know if it will be me waking up tomorrow. That is something horrible to live with. I am fairly sure I am here for the duration. I hope so anyway.

Bringing this out into the open has not only caused some confusion, misunderstanding and hurt for some to say the least but it has brought me just as much confusion and frustration but the good thing are the insights I am getting.

Oh the insights! That will be another post. It’s really kind of interesting as well as frustrating.

They are trying to understand as singles a multiples point of view.

I am trying to understand as a multiple a singles point of view.

Signing off…. a very tired and drained Diana

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