Opening up about my DID has also opened Pandora’s Box. lol
The one thing (well, one of the many things…) we never even thought about was how our switches appear to others. They may never even notice anything while it is a dramatic change for us.
First you need to know how they are for me… ha let me try to explain… it can feel floaty at first like I’m about to pass out. I always thought others could see that… They cannot. I found that out about 10 or so years ago from my therapist. It is totally internal within my Collective.
The one out front fades back and whoever is coming to the front (for whatever reason) comes out. On the outside, the cold sweat, dizziness and feeling of passing out cannot be seen, there is no difference on the outside. There may be a long pause during a conversation or a “what were we just talking about” moment. Internally, say for example the clothes The Body is wearing, that can be an issue because if at all possible the clothes will get torn off (not literally.. you know what i mean lol) and HER clothes will get put on. It’s a horrible feeling looking at yourself as someone else in someone elses body.
The one who fades back may or may not be aware of what the one out front is doing. Looking in a mirror can be startling or it can be eh whatever. There are times (usually when the one out front – me Diana included) when we see our reflection and are horrified and have to get our look. My look – Diana – is totally different from The Blonde’s who was out front for maybe a year or more?
See for yourself:
When it is extreme like it is now, I know that most likely I – Diana – will be here for a long time not just a day, or a month but longer. I prefer the ponytails but my real hair needs to grow more… there isn’t much to grab onto – yet! 🙂
This has happened a few times throughout the years and looking back in journals and asking internally I can find things out. “Extreme makeovers” are signs of someone new coming up front. Not new to The Collective but probably new to singles.
I can feel when one or more is sleeping, when Fantasia is flitting around, hear some conversations going on amongst the others, I can even feel when one or more are dreaming. It’s pretty interesting and cool. The more I find out from you singles the more I am becoming aware of just how unique The Collective is! Thank you!! 😀
So, the humbling experience really came and smacked me in the face this past week. Unfortunately Bitch got into it with my sisters.
My sisters think it’s their sister saying stuff when it’s not but it is. My heart breaks because of this realization and I sure will be certain to stay in therapy and get them as much knowledge I can for us and for my sisters and anyone else who wants to know more about this disorder.
I never realized that others don’t know the “me” that happens to be in control at the moment. There is no miraculous change that happens on the outside like there is on the inside. Well, I should rephrase that… there is no sudden change like *poof* and I’m out front instead of the blonde. I would be me in her look choices until I fixed them. ie: the hair especially.
I don’t know the whole thing but I know she, Bitch, (using My Body) hurt their feelings pretty badly. Then I, Diana, start to claw my way back out front and come into this minefield. My eyes were opened to the fact that the one talking or cussing at them isn’t the one they’ve always know. I’m left wondering How on earth could they know it wasn’t me, Diana, talking to them. They couldn’t. It’s not like we always announce ourselves, but I think we need to start doing that. Hi I’m Diana lol.
Bitch and some of us have been having internal round tables about this fact that the single that is being interacted with only knows The Body as whoever it is they know.. their friend, their sister, cousin, co-worker. You get the picture, people can just think that I’m quirky or eccentric etc.. when in fact they are interacting with someone totally different from who they started the conversation with… if you think you’re confused… take a minute to step into my head… lol
I’m just going to take advantage that the others are leaving me be and letting me do what needs to be done and they stay back. On that note I do sincerely apologize to my sisters and it was a bittersweet learning experience for me and The Collective big time.
~Diana Feb. 13, 2014