I don’t like being here but I am. I don’t know why but I’m the one who woke up today. It’s hard because as much as I don’t like being out they don’t like me out either.
There is usually a compromise that has to be made. I’m a cutter.
I don’t think that will happen this time because we have positive people around us this weekend. One is here petting the cat and she is my hunny bunny’s step daughter. A ray of sunshine that helps let me know I am not dirt. I feel like dirt because of how I can’t feel anything but hopeless.
We got more court papers that are waiting on answering. We had a conversation with the clerk and she was so helpful and nice. This has to be done before Wednesday. (Why is there an extra “D” in Wednesday? Have you ever heard someone say it that way? I say get rid of unnecessary letters in words… like February too.. Why is there an “R” there?)
The problem I have is the PTSD reaction with court and the legal system itself. I think that’s why I’m here. I can’t control it. It’s a body memory. I was arrested because of something someone else did… not one of my altars but someone who was a sort of friend at the time. This was when I was 18. She vandalized this girls home because she slept with her boyfriend or something but she lied to me and I got arrested as well and almost went to jail for something I did not do. It came down to the wire for me because I kept refusing to pay restitution. I am so very grateful that the probation officer that I was assigned to looked into my story of what happened and BELIEVED in me!! No jail and no restitution and he told me I didn’t have to come back anymore and that I was right. How many times does the legal system hear “I didn’t do it.” How many times does someone get lucky enough to end up with someone who goes to bat for you and actually believes you. I was and still am grateful for his belief in me.. even after all these years. That made a profound difference in my life and I have a clean record to prove it. This girl is no criminal, stupid when she was younger but no criminal.
Anyway I know they are struggling with my desires to do something so I will let the ‘put me to sleep’ if possible….
Thanks for listening,
DieAnne (March 7, 2014)