Angel Calendar for April 21

April 21, 2014


I don’t want to be blocked but I can’t shake this “depression”. It’s been going on now bad for a few days and it’s so hard to explain or describe. I’m on antidepressants, antianxiety, antipsychotics etc… but those don’t touch this type of depression. When the person is the depression, no medication will help that. (Can you tell that DieAnne and some of the other darker ones are as well? Wendy is here too.) I am so thankful that I have my therapist appointment tomorrow afternoon. I’m trying to keep DieAnne at bay but I rarely win that battle… we always end up with the compromise and I don’t want that. I want to curl up with my boyfriend and just have him holding me telling me everything will be ok.

I feel like I am being swallowed whole by the dark ones and I can’t get away. The worst thing is I don’t know what triggered this. So lets hope that I make it through another night feeling like this… we’ve just been falling deeper and deeper. I don’t know if I will ever wake from this dream… With DID, there are alters who hold on to the negative scary stuff and as soon as whatever it is that they need happens… *poof* “depression” lifts. Will I ever learn to live this life? I’m not alone but I am alone. DID sucks. I wonder what will happen if I let the dark ones loose tomorrow? (During our therapy session…) No one can fix me. This dream haunts me and the worst part is it is not a dream. I feel so alone…… lost….. confused….. unwanted…. but I’m still here…. 😦

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she’s not breathing?
Hello, I’m your mind giving you someone to talk to

If I smile and don’t believe
Soon I know I’ll wake from this dream
Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken
Hello, I’m the lie living for you so you can hide
Don’t cry

Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping
Hello, I’m still here

This Evanescence song resonates for me… I am (Diana) living the lie so you (the dead one) don’t have to. I am the lie. The truth will never be exposed. (Why? We don’t know the truth) I’m not broken. We are shattered. If you want to “fix” me just be my friend, sibling, lover… and accept and love me for who we are.

~DieAnne & Diana (April 21, 2014)