Why are you so tired when…

… you don’t do anything? The answer is not so simple.

Missing My Mom

Today was one of those days where all I did was sleep. I got up around 10 had my coffee and spent some time talking with my son before he went off to work. Even though I slept well last night I was exhausted. I was making little sense talking lol. That was a combination of the stroke and too many altars being active for too many days. They seem to forget that only ONE can use The Body at a time.

I’m sure you’ve all experienced wanting to do more than one thing at a time and wished you could clone yourself to get everything done. One clone to do the dishes, one to watch this show, one to watch this movie, one to catch up on cleaning, one to do the bills, one to go to the store… then you can rest and relax and have your clones do all the work.

Imagine something like that for someone with DID. Not only do I (Diana) need to get things done, or want to do something like maybe actually watch an entire show or movie. (There are many shows on our DVR that are partially watched.) Do laundry, (It can end up taking a couple of days to do just 2 loads.) Bills not done because one or more thinks that one or more of the others took care of them. Until the computer directs us to the walled garden instead of whatever website we were trying to go to. (That’s a term the cable companies use when you did not pay your bill… it directs you only to their site so you can pay your bill lol)

In combination with the short-term memory loss we have all these alters chattering away wanting to do their own things… when there are too many and they are too close to the front for too long it is exhausting for The Body. As much as we try we can’t “get them all on the same page”.  If we try to force the issue of doing things that need to get done, it makes it worse. All I want to do is hold my head in my hands and scream rocking back and forth… or bang my head repeatedly into the wall. Then we crash and can crash hard.

Before we were aware of each other… also known as being Co-conscious (You can search Co-Conscious for more posts about it as well.) there would be entire weekends where we would sleep only to get up to take care of bodily needs… and then back to sleep. I guess you can call it “Alter Overload” lol. At one point they thought we had narcolepsy.

After we were aware of each other the entire weekend sleep sessions slowed and ceased. It wasn’t every weekend… I don’t want you to think that. But back to after we were aware… the reverse shatter was a huge revelation and now I understand why we had those zombie weekends. We now have zombie days. Today was one of them. It starts with getting overwhelmed more and more little by little day after day until I’m at the head banging stage. It gets to the point where I end up frozen and can’t do anything without feeling like just putting my face in my hands, crying and rocking with exasperation. Sure, there are things that my son or someone else can get done and that helps. Having a case worker helps immensely. If it wasn’t for her I’d be in a padded cell.

People may not understand what is going on inside my head, because it’s just that… in my head, my mind. That’s the problem with mental health issues. They are on the inside and don’t always show on the outside like chicken pox or the flu. I may look put together, dress nice, makeup on hair on… but believe me under the facade is a hot mess ready to break down at a moments notice. That is one reason we will put on makeup… it’s a deterrent for crying. Looking in the mirror after getting all put together helps… if I looked like I felt on the inside on the outside… you would run screaming think they were searching for extras for the Walking Dead. With each wanting to do their own thing, it is exhausting and on the outside I look fine, a little rumpled right now because today was one of those days… I slept for about 4 hours because there was no fighting it. I do feel a little better, a lot less scrambled and hope that did the trick. I wanted to enjoy the outdoors and lay in the sun, my son kept telling me to go take a nap outside but I would probably have ended up with heat stroke or something sleeping that long or longer in the sun. I don’t need any more strokes of any kind. Thankyouverymuch.

What singles don’t really understand is that with everyone inside pulling and pushing to do what they want to do it’s hard on The Body and they don’t or I should say cannot see it. But I feel it. People may think we are just lazy, but it is far from that. We are trying to balance staying in our home until the bank takes it from us, figure out how to save for a new place to live with no income, keep the car together,  keeping the utilities on, food in the fridge, making numerous calls to beg for extensions on the bills (humiliation there) depression, anxiety, ptsd, I could go on and on but this is all happening with the others wanting “their time” too. Picture a family, mom, dad, 4 kids… all in one body each needing to do what they each need to do but they are all using just the one body. I don’t have just 6 people inside to deal with but at least 27. And you wonder why I am tired.

We are taking positive steps to help with all this, we have PT for the memory loss, swallowing and speech issues due to the stroke and on Monday start an IOP for 6 weeks. (IOP = Intensive Outpatient Program) That should help deal with the DID, depression and other mental health issues we have.

Ok, this went longer than I expected but I thank you for reading this and maybe it will help others understand how I live. Now I will watch the rest of the race… I hope. lol

~Blessings~ Diana (June 28, 2014)