I wake up eyes still closed wondering what is real… afraid to open them.
Am I a kid who will be spending yet another day in my room?
Left there to be alone with only the others in my head for comfort?
Then it switches… is my mom still alive? Is my dad still
Eyes squeezed shut… afraid to open then to see where we are, who we are….
If I think about it long enough will my reality change?
Fear sets in which leads to depression, deep dark consuming depression.
The thoughts come and go… back and forth… did I make up what is truly my reality or is it
a figment of my imagination?
If I think about it too much if it’s not real will it become real?
Either reality I don’t want or like but only one I can change.
Is the cat purring in my ear with her paws resting in my hand real?
What is my reality?
The purring in my ear is slowly bringing me to the conclusion that we are still in foreclosure, still no hot water, still with a car about to break down at a moments notice, no money to move or fix the car…
…still alone with no one to share my life with.
If I am a kid still grounded then what is this?
Is this reality made up?
What is real?
A little more into the waking world and I wonder…
Why would I make up the reality I am living?
Yes, Mom is dead, yes, Pops is dead.
Yes, I was in abusive relationships with one that almost killed me.
Wouldn’t I make up something better than what was then or is now?
I slowly realize that those things of the past are what got me here.
Then the thought — am I alone locked away in some hospital so drugged up I have no clue and nothing is real?
I finally I slowly open my eyes and with a face full of purring fur realizing that is real.
That is here and now.
This is the reality I can change.
One thing I can’t change is the deep sadness that both my parents are really gone.
The grief is there full and strong as the days they passed.
For a few brief moments they were still alive.
~DieAnne (July 27, 2014)