Well, it’s not going to be everyday that I post about blessings because some are just so small but very meaningful to me and only me… I figure I will post the big ones.
Yesterday we got a huge blessing.
A very special woman passed away earlier this week (my brother in law’s mom). People that knew The Body before the switch know that we didn’t do so well at wakes and funerals. (Ha ha now that’s an understatement!) We were pretty traumatized when our mother passed (we were a teenager at the time) and also pretty traumatized after our father passed (We were in our late 20’s then), same thing with our Grammy (I have no idea how old we were then we remember nothing from her wake or funeral). We tended to run. As for memories of our moms funeral and wake, the only memory I have is someone elses who was there.. and that is seeing our best friend at the time come through the reception line and then a brief glimpse of being in the church… don’t ask me what church because I have no clue. That’s it, just those 2 snapshots.
As for our Pops, I can feel a memory of one or more of them walking into the funeral home and the first thing we saw was down the hall you had a view of the casket… we turned and ran. Literally. I think it was over an hour or so before we could actually go into the room. No other memories of the service but when we were graveside I remember being there all alone with my husband at the time comforting the bitch that was married to my dad instead of me – his wife. Thank God a good friend at the time saw this and came over to me. That’s all I know. There are no memories of the entire or even some of their services.
My Grammy, when she passed.. there are no memories at all. I’m guessing they are too deeply buried and one or more of the darkest of the dark ones is holding them, as well as the rest of the memories of my mom and dads services. I have no access and I’m glad. Who would want to remember something like death. Eiw. I want to remember life (even though I don’t have a lot of memories) and live it to the fullest even though we are in dire straits right now.
About a year ago, I really don’t know but it was not too long ago my sister in laws dad passed, we did pretty good during the wake part but when we got to the church something about it and the music sent us running to the car with our son trailing after us. We couldn’t even leave because of all the cars blocking us in from the funeral procession. So we sat in the car until we could leave… we scooted out of the procession to the after thing also. I couldn’t get through that with the panic being so so strong we had to leave.
Being diagnosed with DID and living with it in a co-conscious state is a blessing as well as a curse.
I (Diana) went to the memorial last evening (alone I might add) and the after thing with no problem at all. However… that morning was a different story. We woke and soon after we started with a panic attack that was growing by the minute. Our medication didn’t lessen it either. About 10:30 my phone rings, it was the clinic wanting to know if I wanted to come in to see my therapist because he had an opening at 1. I said Hell yea! I went from shaking so badly that I wouldn’t have been able to write my own name to just a little tremor after my session. I will admit I was antsy and jumpy the closer it got to leaving but nowhere near how it was earlier. I was fine in the days prior, actually looking forward to a new experience even though it was a sad one.
I had called on the Goddess, God, and the Universe for help. They came to my rescue. So the blessing to put it short and sweet was a huge one…. The random call to see my therapist that day of all days! That my dears, is a HUGE blessing out of the blue!
I was comfortable being at last nights memorial around a lot of people I didn’t know and less than half we actually knew. (That’s to be expected seeing we didn’t know her friends or co-workers before she retired) It’s still unnerving when someone comes up to you because they know The Body but you don’t recognize them.
It all worked out. It was an amazing experience for us. We are happy that she is now a part of everything everywhere, she will also always be missed and loved.
But can you believe that we get a call to see our therapist out of the blue that day of all days! What a huge blessing! I’m not sure we would have done so well or even made it there if we didn’t get that call and go see him. We may look “put together” and “sane” but behind the facade is chaos no one could ever know.
We are very blessed, yes indeed. We also are blessed with our family… no matter who we are at the time, they still love us despite the DID and my 27+ alters ❤
~Blessings to you and yours.. ~ Diana (August 22, 2014)