Update From The Watcher

If you read yesterdays post we have some news… today is The Body’s 53rd birthday and it is a very good day. We had our therapist appointment and after a long talk and explanations we decided we do not need a different therapist. We put a plan in place and we, The Collective, are good with it. A very good and settling thing. 🙂

The best gift we got was actually the night we were in the ER psych ward when our niece, sisters and brother-in-law came to see us. It made all the difference in the world and it was a total surprise to us. If it weren’t for them we would be spending our birthday in the psych ward. (Paws-ing for now because Coco came to visit us and is sitting on the mouse… lol kind of hard to do this with the mouse roaming the screen… I think she decided to come down and wish us a Happy Birthday lol)

Coco on mouse

She stayed there for about 20 minutes lol I wasn’t sure what if anything would happen to this post… luckily nothing bad that couldn’t be fixed.. I love that little cat! Anyway back to the post because I want to sit and relax until Marshall gets home and we can watch SOA. So the therapy session went well, for the first time The Watcher came out for most of the session with Big Mama in the background. Then everyone started listening which was another good thing. We feel more settled and that was probably already said but bears repeating. 🙂 Still having panic attacks and the anxiety but the depression is a bit better seeing the dark ones (DieAnne especially) are soothed and felt heard. One thing I forgot to mention yesterday was that Lips also played a part in this, Thursday evening he came over to us gave us a hug and said if we need to go get help go, there is nothing wrong with that, if we can’t take care of ourselves we are no good to anyone. It was a very hard thing to do as we are not into asking for help, it is not in our nature. Until now.

Don't cry over the past

Some more good news, because of the dizzy spells we have on a daily basis we had fallen about 2 months ago and messed up our right foot, we’ve been in a walking boot now for just over 7 weeks, finally had an MRI to rule out a stress fracture (no fracture YAY!) and they just found swelling meaning we strained/sprained a funny shaped muscle on the bottom of our foot. One more week in the boot and Monday we can go to sneakers!!! The doctor prescribed a new anti inflammatory med and we are still using the anti inflammatory cream and are doing better. There is less pain today and we are so looking forward to having the same footwear on both feet lol. We go back in a month which means we also get to spend time with Celine again. 🙂

I’m just thankful that all my alters are settled and pretty quiet and just enjoying the rest of the day after we got everything done earlier. We are definitely blessed.

Ok, time for dinner and some tv… and hoping to get to see some wild weather tonight!! It’s in the forecast for us!!


~Blessings~ The Watcher & Diana (October 7, 2014)

So We Tried Something New….

Actually it was a few things new. Some worked out well others not so well. It started with a job fair and ended up with an overnight stay in the ER psych ward.

There is an Aldi’s being built in my area and they had a job fair on Friday the 26th for when they open later in the winter. We aren’t able to work but figured, this is not going to be immediate and it was just filling out an application and answering a few questions. Maybe by the time they got to the hiring stage we would be ready to work. We had a minor panic attack because my mind went blank on information — basic information that we never had a hard time with prior to the mini stroke last year. We realized the extent of the memory loss and what started the panic attack was having to put The Body’s “legal name” on the application and not our own. Then the basic questions, “can you lift 45lbs, are you able to work at a fast pace, do you have reliable transportation” we panicked and said yes yes yes when it should have been no no and no.

chances we didn't take


In the car on the way home my son laughs and said you can’t do any of those things and you were standing there with a cane and a walking boot on your foot. Of course I didn’t get a call back the next week. lol I had to try, it turned out to be a disaster but we had to try or we would never have known. That was the beginning of the downhill slide into darkness. Panic attacks started again, anxiety and depression got worse. DieAnne came out. I (Diana) held her off as best as I could and did what I thought was the responsible thing, called to see if my therapist had any sooner appointments. My therapist did have a cancellation so we took it. That was on Wednesday the 1st. We were hoping that would help soothe DieAnne and she would stop wanting to harm us. It was a disaster and we left feeling cheated, chastised and worse than when we went in. Further into the darkness we fell.

We were alone Thursday night and really had a bad time, hoped against hope that when we woke up DieAnne would be asleep. She was not. She still wanted to harm us. She is a cutter. She doesn’t want to kill us just let out the screaming pain inside… all I could hear was loud screaming in my head from the others. Help. Over and over and over. We knew we couldn’t be alone another night without serious consequences so we called the crisis line and ended up at the ER psych ward overnight. My son dropped me off and the cops came to the house to make sure he was going to do just that. He did and they almost admitted me but decided to wait until morning and re-evaluate. The triggers were the job fair, the unsuccessful appointment with the therapist, what would have been our mothers 76th birthday had she lived past 42 and what we didn’t realize was that on our birthday (the 7th) we will be older than both of our parents (Pops passed at 52) and how much it hurt and bothered us. Did not expect that. Just a perfect storm when you add in the situation we are in with our home and the problem with our foot not yet totally resolved so we have to stay off it as best we can… drives us NUTS!

Locked away and forgotten

What saved us from being admitted for sure the next day was that night my sisters and brother-in-law came down to see how we were doing and were able to visit for a while, prior to that my niece came to see us as well. We talked, they talked, and the one thing that made a big difference was that it was said that my parents would be so happy that I outlived them both. So I should be happy as well and not let it affect us like it did. Just the fact that they all came to see us and the love and caring they showed made a huge difference. We didn’t feel so alone or scared and it actually quieted DieAnne down. Plus we were in a safe place being monitored. If that didn’t happen, I am 98% sure they would have admitted us Saturday because DieAnne would still have been a strong presence and hard to resist. We were afraid that she would take over and we wouldn’t know what happened until after the fact. We could not let that happen. We asked for help for the first time and allowed others to be there for us. One thing that surprises me is that Multiple Personality Disorder is not well understood by the medical community, not like depression, anxiety, PTSD and the other more common ones.

Now our task I think is finding a different therapist, we have another appointment tomorrow which we are not looking forward to. But we have our family and good friends like Marion and Dot. Marion and I talk every day and she always looks out for our wellbeing and can talk some sense into some of us when it is needed lol. Dot keeps making sure we get out of the house and we sit in her garage and have coffee and talk. We’ve been letting our family back in little by little and it is a really good thing. Celine has been bringing us home from the foot doctor appointments and we usually do something like lunch, she will take me grocery shopping if need be like today and I kept her company on her errands. I also got a nice surprise today… I got a Sage and Citrus Yankee Candle for my birthday from her!

Just spending time with family and friends helps a lot. They may not understand but they are there and willing to try. Who could ask for more?

Well, DieAnne is glad we finally posted about this fiasco because we wouldn’t let her last week… god only knows what she would have said. Probably would have scared a lot of people. Hell, she had me terrified! We still are dealing with the panic and anxiety but it is manageable, uncomfortable and distressing but for now, manageable.

You can’t let others in until you let yourself go. We are learning to let go and it is a good thing.

breathe trust let go


~Blessings~ Diana (October 6, 2014)