Actually it was a few things new. Some worked out well others not so well. It started with a job fair and ended up with an overnight stay in the ER psych ward.
There is an Aldi’s being built in my area and they had a job fair on Friday the 26th for when they open later in the winter. We aren’t able to work but figured, this is not going to be immediate and it was just filling out an application and answering a few questions. Maybe by the time they got to the hiring stage we would be ready to work. We had a minor panic attack because my mind went blank on information — basic information that we never had a hard time with prior to the mini stroke last year. We realized the extent of the memory loss and what started the panic attack was having to put The Body’s “legal name” on the application and not our own. Then the basic questions, “can you lift 45lbs, are you able to work at a fast pace, do you have reliable transportation” we panicked and said yes yes yes when it should have been no no and no.
In the car on the way home my son laughs and said you can’t do any of those things and you were standing there with a cane and a walking boot on your foot. Of course I didn’t get a call back the next week. lol I had to try, it turned out to be a disaster but we had to try or we would never have known. That was the beginning of the downhill slide into darkness. Panic attacks started again, anxiety and depression got worse. DieAnne came out. I (Diana) held her off as best as I could and did what I thought was the responsible thing, called to see if my therapist had any sooner appointments. My therapist did have a cancellation so we took it. That was on Wednesday the 1st. We were hoping that would help soothe DieAnne and she would stop wanting to harm us. It was a disaster and we left feeling cheated, chastised and worse than when we went in. Further into the darkness we fell.
We were alone Thursday night and really had a bad time, hoped against hope that when we woke up DieAnne would be asleep. She was not. She still wanted to harm us. She is a cutter. She doesn’t want to kill us just let out the screaming pain inside… all I could hear was loud screaming in my head from the others. Help. Over and over and over. We knew we couldn’t be alone another night without serious consequences so we called the crisis line and ended up at the ER psych ward overnight. My son dropped me off and the cops came to the house to make sure he was going to do just that. He did and they almost admitted me but decided to wait until morning and re-evaluate. The triggers were the job fair, the unsuccessful appointment with the therapist, what would have been our mothers 76th birthday had she lived past 42 and what we didn’t realize was that on our birthday (the 7th) we will be older than both of our parents (Pops passed at 52) and how much it hurt and bothered us. Did not expect that. Just a perfect storm when you add in the situation we are in with our home and the problem with our foot not yet totally resolved so we have to stay off it as best we can… drives us NUTS!
What saved us from being admitted for sure the next day was that night my sisters and brother-in-law came down to see how we were doing and were able to visit for a while, prior to that my niece came to see us as well. We talked, they talked, and the one thing that made a big difference was that it was said that my parents would be so happy that I outlived them both. So I should be happy as well and not let it affect us like it did. Just the fact that they all came to see us and the love and caring they showed made a huge difference. We didn’t feel so alone or scared and it actually quieted DieAnne down. Plus we were in a safe place being monitored. If that didn’t happen, I am 98% sure they would have admitted us Saturday because DieAnne would still have been a strong presence and hard to resist. We were afraid that she would take over and we wouldn’t know what happened until after the fact. We could not let that happen. We asked for help for the first time and allowed others to be there for us. One thing that surprises me is that Multiple Personality Disorder is not well understood by the medical community, not like depression, anxiety, PTSD and the other more common ones.
Now our task I think is finding a different therapist, we have another appointment tomorrow which we are not looking forward to. But we have our family and good friends like Marion and Dot. Marion and I talk every day and she always looks out for our wellbeing and can talk some sense into some of us when it is needed lol. Dot keeps making sure we get out of the house and we sit in her garage and have coffee and talk. We’ve been letting our family back in little by little and it is a really good thing. Celine has been bringing us home from the foot doctor appointments and we usually do something like lunch, she will take me grocery shopping if need be like today and I kept her company on her errands. I also got a nice surprise today… I got a Sage and Citrus Yankee Candle for my birthday from her!
Just spending time with family and friends helps a lot. They may not understand but they are there and willing to try. Who could ask for more?
Well, DieAnne is glad we finally posted about this fiasco because we wouldn’t let her last week… god only knows what she would have said. Probably would have scared a lot of people. Hell, she had me terrified! We still are dealing with the panic and anxiety but it is manageable, uncomfortable and distressing but for now, manageable.
You can’t let others in until you let yourself go. We are learning to let go and it is a good thing.
~Blessings~ Diana (October 6, 2014)