Here we are 2 and a half weeks into this abyss. At least it feels like an abyss right now. A swirling mass that has me caught.
Our laptop fell off its stand yesterday and the thingy for the USB bent. So now we have a little problem. We have to use the back-up mouse, the old corded one from our desktop. The problem is that we cannot switch the buttons on this one for some strange reason so we have to use it on the right. Aaaack. We don’t always know where to put our hands now. We keep looking for a mouse on the left. lol The good thing is that we are ambidextrous. Still we prefer the left but it is a tiny problem compared to what is going on in our life.
Today is a day that memories are bombarding us. Not constantly, thank God/dess. We’d explode if that happened. It feels like a blast hitting us, a very vivid detailed part of a memory. When it happens, our heart starts to race, it gets harder to breathe and it literally feels as if our head is being shoved back with the force of it. If it happened while we were standing, I’m pretty sure we would either fall or simply collapse. It’s that strong. Brief, but strong as hell.
I say The Walking Dead for this one because we feel as if we are dead and just visiting going through the motions as best we can. It’s not easy, yesterday we spent most of the day huddled in a 71 degree living room, with yoga pants, a warm top, heavy slipper socks, a bathrobe, a full length hooded heavy sweater, thick fingerless gloves and a throw. Only then we were not freezing. The exhaustion we feel is unbearable, we can only do so much right now and that isn’t a lot.
Being this exhausted I’ve noticed that I can watch, listen and feel what is going on with The Collective. It’s really quite interesting. It can also be a pain in the ass too. I can feel some dreaming, some who are more awake and active and some that are not. I do believe that is part of this insomnia. We will see what happens in the next few days or as long as this exhaustion lasts. Everything is tiring and everything is an effort. As for thinking and communicating? It’s best we don’t so any of that until this passes. I am going with the flow and learning what I can. It’s a struggle and a trade-off right now and I’m hoping to find a better way one day soon.
~Diana (February 10, 2015)