In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 25 ~ It’s Dark Here

I’ve felt this deep darkness creeping up for maybe 5 days now? I’m thinking if we write about it, some of its power will be gone. It started with just the faintest feathering of “something is wrong”. That little nagging dagger of dread. It sneaks up on you, you’ve been feeling better and then all of a sudden WHAM! There is something there, taunting you, teasing you with that faint feeling of uneasiness. Something is wrong, it starts to feel very uncomfortable. Your son asks you “Who are you so I know how to treat you?” You tell him, “It’s still me, Diana, I’m not going anywhere… (some stuff about integration that is happening blablabla… ) I’m {surprised I’m} still here.”

At first it’s fleeting.

Then it starts to grow. It brings other things with it. More dread, more darkness closing in for longer periods of time.

It comes to visit more often until you realize what it is. You start to wonder when the bad thing is going to happen. You start to feel anxious with every noise. You start to get a jolt of anxiety at every phone notification. You start to dread the thought of having to leave the house. For no rational reason.

Then it gets its hooks in deeper.

The feeling of dread stays, it grows with each passing minute. The things that caused anxiety before now turn it up to full-blown panic. The noises that panic us now take on a life of their own. We become hypersensitive to sound and smell. A vehicle in the parking lot causes our heart to start to race, our breathing fast and shallow… our hands begin to shake. (Mind you we live in a complex with 20 units so there is activity in and out during the day and night.) We try to rationalize the panic that we believe it is the Sheriff and the big white moving truck to kick us out with the fact that we have not been served ejectment papers yet and we have not gone to court for it yet so there is nothing to worry about. One day coming the Sheriff will leave the papers on our door, or tossed in the lot again. We will deal with that if and when it happens. There will be no big white truck packing us up and leaving us homeless for now. There are things that take time and have to happen before that. Our plan is not to let it come to that but to be gone before we even get served… and that, my darlings, will take a miracle. We believe in miracles.


Still… it digs in deeper and deeper. A cloying sludge.

If we hear strange noises outside of our unit, we won’t be able to calm down until we actually go down and check the front door to see if there are any papers left there. We have quiet neighbors on one side and loud neighbors on the other so needless to say, we get that panic a lot until we hear them go in to their home. Of course there is the countless trips to the kitchen window to see who is out there. Most people get annoyed when someone pulls in with the music blaring and the bass rattling the windows…. not us. Why? lol because that tells us there is nothing to worry about! We can breathe a sigh of relief.

However it has managed to envelope us in its thick dark sludgy mess. We don’t care if the big white truck that deep inside some of us know is not coming is coming. There are too many unreasonable overblown unrealistic and unfounded fears right now to list. We have gotten to the point where we don’t want to or cannot leave our home. Thank God/dess for our son. He is a godsend. He is spending more time with us and he has also gotten us out of the house on a day we were not wanting to go anywhere but the couch. How many more ways he has helped us is too high to count and we thank The Universe for being blessed with him every day. Another thing we noticed is that when it gets past 5pm we also tend to breathe a bit easier. You see, the “work day” is over and I forgot to pay the electric bill… brb.


Ok, whew! Got it in. At least we can still get some basic necessities taken care of. UI bill paid and we have less than $2 in our account now. Yikes. Ok, the crazy train has jumped off the tracks and our train of thought went with it so we will leave you and thank you so very much for listening and being our sounding board. It is much appreciated. Here’s hoping some of this dark sludge we are trudging through loosens up so we can get through it easier. I will say one thing, it is getting to the 5 o’clock hour and between that and the fact that Marshall is off again tonight we get his company and distractions :).

funny smiling cat


Thank you again & Blessed Be!

~Diana & The Collective (February 17, 2015)