In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 31


Today has been interesting. In a weird way. Oh, one thing I will say is that I (think, believe… hope?) have not been as dissociative for at least the past few days. If you ask my son, you will most likely get a different answer. That would depend on if he is messing with me or not lol. But anyway… about an hour or so after we got downstairs this morning, our neighbor Dot called letting us know that the bank was banging on her door earlier. She said they wanted to know if my condo was occupied or not, she said it was and to go bang on my door lol.

Of course if they were banging on my door when I was upstairs I would not have heard them. So I can’t say if they knocked or not. Immediately after I hung up I went downstairs to see if there was any notice on the door. There was nothing there. After that I felt the darkness closing in and my heart start to race. I tried to talk that beast down, fight against its bulk pressing against me. Trying to envelope me totally. Grabbing at me.

One of my first punches against it was to muster up the courage to look at our case on the courts website to see if there has been any further action. A huge sigh of relief came over us as we felt the darkness give a little because there was no new action on our foreclosure case. Whew!

Of course our mind kept wandering and listening to the seductive whispers of depression and despair. Of course we would pull ourselves up a little taller in the chair and say NO! We are no longer going to give in. It wasn’t the Sheriff, it wasn’t anything to worry about. The bank was probably just making sure they didn’t have to worry about bursting pipes in this record-breaking cold snap. The condo is occupied and heated. They can move on.

Still that seductive voice beckoning from deep down the rabbit hole. We thought for a split second, why not? Then reality and the tools we have learned kicked in. (Learned from the PHP/IOP and CCC programs at Yale that we have been going to now since mid October.)

We slowly backed away from the rabbit hole.

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Told all of us that there was nothing to worry about because there has been no motion or judgement for ejection yet. And there was nothing on the courts website. We are prepared for the doorbell or knocking in the next couple days if indeed it was someone from the bank to verify that the place is occupied. Still I know the sound will send our heart racing and the urge to jump out the window and run will be almost overpowering. The fact that we are aware of this reaction means we can mitigate it. That my darlings is a huge step forward.

On and off for the rest of the afternoon and early evening we found ourselves at the edge of the rabbit hole. Each time we would back away and fight it with fact and fact against its catastrophizing mocking.

Then it was time for Marion to call on her ride home from work. I told her about the guy and she made me realize something even better. We have an amazing arsenal against the cloying darkness, it just took someone outside of ourselves to unlock that box. Marion asked some good questions like did he say what bank he was from? (Dot did not open her door to him so we have no idea what he looked like.) The answer to that was “no, he didn’t”. Marion said that how do we even know he was legit? There are people who go around looking for foreclosed or vacant properties to rob or squat in. I thought, if we were not in the position that we are — being foreclosed on and all — that we would have thought pretty much what Marion did instead of heading straight towards the rabbit hole. That is what we need to focus on… take our own advice and see things from a different perspective.

sometimes you just need a

Thanks for listening and Blessed Be!

~Diana (February 23, 2015)