In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 65 ~ The Blinding Truth

just thought we would pop in here and share a truth we just found. yea.confusing as fuck. cool as fuck. the intent that was sent to the Universe earlier was basically this: it’s ok to allow some things to be unlocked, memories, facts, truths. the Body is all confused and i’m sorry but i don’t know how to stop it. you need to use your left hand, but i need the right. thank you for switching it. you can see clear, you can barely see. you see… i am pretty much blind. funny how you found me while rolling cigarettes. i used to snag them from mommy’s purse once in a while lol. i just wanted to be like her. did you notice how much better you type now? it is because i am blind and i can just type a mile a minute if left to my own devices. lol i know you like it. i have to stop here because #wrestlemania is on now and Diana will fill you in later… bye! ~ Joan((march 29, 2015)



That’s her in case you didn’t already figure it out. I – Diana – had been drawn to that picture and did not know why until right now. Anyway, before I go back and read what she wrote, I am going to tell you some of what I have been going through. 

  • Major confusion
  • More extreme dissociation
  • Major vision changes that fluctuate during the day
  • That dumb dirty little girl feeling
  • Nothing that comes out of our mouth makes us feel very good
  • Confusion over what hand to use… the right seems to be taking over for some things
  • I’m waiting for ‘something’ to happen??
  • More and more of the feeling of suffocation, unable to breathe

I realized that the One We Do Not Mention Her Name EVER is the one who was here. I shouldn’t say “was” because she is still here. Quiet, but here. I can feel her but farther away than she was yesterday when she wrote her beginning part on my post lol. 

I did something that I hardly ever remember to do… Ask. I got an answer! I heard, the name and I heard “I’m also pretty much blind.” 

I was floored to say the least. 

Things are coming back, some just pop up, some are that “Oh Crap! Woah, that makes sense now.”

Some take The Collective to figure out, some take just me, Diana, some take a friend’s nudge, some take a flashback due to a sight, a thought, a smell, a sound… or something beyond conscious comprehension.

One more thing I will say is that sometimes it takes the most unlikely source to make you stable, the thing you most longed for, the thing you finally let go of. It came in the form of tall dark and handsome! Whether it lasts no longer than this week or many many weeks to come to infinity… I will be fully there and enjoying every precious moment! So now I will go back and see what she wrote… or maybe I won’t because if I do, it will be gone and that will spell trouble in the form of an untrusting core. Can’t have that no matter what she wrote, because I know she wrote from her heart… so I will sign off here and thank you for joining us on this journey with more to come!

~ Blessed Be ~ 

Diana (March 30, 2015)

In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 62 ~ Memories

“My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My sense’s dulled
Passed the point of delirium
On my own… here we go
My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own… here we go”
So here we are sitting, jamming to Pandora (Green Day Radio) when Brain Stew comes on. Here is the whole thing if you want to listen…  Anyway, this comes on and we’re listening, singing and realizing that it was bringing back a memory. This memory came back but without the feelings. Just like we were reading a chapter in a boring book. As a kid and teen we were kinda in angst most of the time. Misunderstood, ignored, shoved in our room. Out of sight out of mind. So many times we felt so unwanted that we tried various things… I’m sure you can guess. One time we took a sheet of Dexatrim, not sure how we got a hold of it but we did. We suffered all alone for hours and no one even bothered to check in on us… don’t know why we would have expected it because no one ever did. It was pure torture. You need to sleep but you need to move, your body cries out for release yet you are stuck in this sleep/awake cocoon where there is no escape. You need to move but you are unable to move, it was almost like being paralyzed and being fully aware feeling everything but not able to do anything to make it subside… hours of this. Alone. Hopeless. Unwanted. Defective.

We are better now and there are a lot of realizations we have been having that makes life more bearable. The Yale psych program is to thank for getting me to a place where we can have these realizations and learn from them. Knowing why you react like you do to something is a ginormous step to disengaging the trigger.

So for now it is still on my own, here we go… and I am ok with that. After all Fantasia is SuperGirl! 😉

Blessed Be ~ Diana (March 26, 2015)
p.s. if this post looks fucked up… sorry, we tried but to us it still previews scrunched up. ugh.