In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 62 ~ Memories

“My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My sense’s dulled
Passed the point of delirium
On my own… here we go
My eyes feel like they’re gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own… here we go”
So here we are sitting, jamming to Pandora (Green Day Radio) when Brain Stew comes on. Here is the whole thing if you want to listen…  Anyway, this comes on and we’re listening, singing and realizing that it was bringing back a memory. This memory came back but without the feelings. Just like we were reading a chapter in a boring book. As a kid and teen we were kinda in angst most of the time. Misunderstood, ignored, shoved in our room. Out of sight out of mind. So many times we felt so unwanted that we tried various things… I’m sure you can guess. One time we took a sheet of Dexatrim, not sure how we got a hold of it but we did. We suffered all alone for hours and no one even bothered to check in on us… don’t know why we would have expected it because no one ever did. It was pure torture. You need to sleep but you need to move, your body cries out for release yet you are stuck in this sleep/awake cocoon where there is no escape. You need to move but you are unable to move, it was almost like being paralyzed and being fully aware feeling everything but not able to do anything to make it subside… hours of this. Alone. Hopeless. Unwanted. Defective.

We are better now and there are a lot of realizations we have been having that makes life more bearable. The Yale psych program is to thank for getting me to a place where we can have these realizations and learn from them. Knowing why you react like you do to something is a ginormous step to disengaging the trigger.

So for now it is still on my own, here we go… and I am ok with that. After all Fantasia is SuperGirl! 😉

Blessed Be ~ Diana (March 26, 2015)
p.s. if this post looks fucked up… sorry, we tried but to us it still previews scrunched up. ugh.