In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 70 ~ The Core

It’s been an interesting week. First the very very good surprise… we met someone very very special. Shocked the hell out of me for sure. I gave up and had come to terms with becoming the crazy cat lady. lol All I will say is this man would be the picture if you looked up gentleman in the dictionary. He is absolutely perfect!

Anyway, The Core. Very interesting and another shock. I went to write a post and found out one was started. Still have not read Her part. I will defer to my bff Marion on when it would be ok and not triggering to read. She knows The Collective and knows what is best for us. Some people just don’t get it and say it isn’t bad and to read it. Obviously they do not truly know us. But it isn’t really their fault. I am not going to cry over it.

I found The Core, or I should say She found me when I went to blog lol. I have noticed differences for sure. I was having issues with my mouse and had to move it to the right hand side because of her. She is a determined righty but I believe that she was meant to be ambidextrous. I can remember as a young child a time of being forced to sit and write with just my right hand. In those days, you did not use your left hand. Practice with the right until it was the only hand you used to write with. That is one way I can tell if She is around.

Another way is my vision. She is blind and it affects The Body’s eyes. She is not totally blind but enough to make it so I had to do some things with my eyes closed like roll cigarettes. Did a damn good job too. I’ll see if she is here today when I roll lol. Hmmm, funny thing is that I didn’t realize I was rolling blind until I opened my eyes and then later asked who was here with me. I got the answer of Joan.  Interesting for sure. I haven’t heard from her or anything forever. 

And yet another thing…. she is a dumb little girl who cannot do or say anything right. No wonder the parents didn’t know what to do with her or want her around. She is empathic and can feel things about others. But she is very um, I guess feral would be the word. She was left to her own devices, alone with only what she had in her room to keep her occupied… days on end, weeks on end alone in her room. She went to school, but other than going out for necessary things She was alone in her room. Back then, you didn’t have a TV in your room, cell phones weren’t invented yet, home computers, not yet… all I had in the beginning was some stuffed animals that would be pretend friends, my bed, my closet… and a closed door. She never learned to interact with others. It wasn’t all bad, there were times we were out with the rest of the siblings but like I said, she – Joan, The Core – never learned how to interact with others. Feral. 

Still more… we have been dealing with some new physical issues. I believe some are related to Her. I have been having a LOT of trouble breathing. It’s so bad at times I almost pass out. It feels like someone is squeezing my neck and believe me for someone who was in an abusive relationship where she was choked, smothered with a pillow, beaten up etc… the feeling in my neck is almost unbearable. Plus we had tonsillitis as a young kid, our throat would swell almost shut, breathing became almost impossible. One night it was very bad and we were probably around kindergarten age. On the top bunk, calling out to our mother the best we could and scared to death we would die if we went to sleep. We just wanted comfort and we got yelled at and for a young child that meant our mother did not care if we died she just got mad and wanted us to go to sleep… the very thing that we believed would bring us death. Do you see a psychological reason here for physical symptoms? Because I sure do. My hands go numb so bad that I will drop something I am holding. I am getting things checked out just in case there is a physical component.

So we met The Core. We learned a trick to catching our breath from our Pdoc. We practiced it yesterday as much as we could. I’m thinking we were successful because we got more than 4 hours sleep last night!!!!!!! The breathing and trying to control it and be aware is so very anxiety provoking because of all that shit we were put through. It’s a flashback that I find myself living in everyday now not just once in a while. *sigh* I find my OCD going wild, counting everything. lol Also having a lot of flashback memories too.

Ugh so we have some work to do and we will start by going back to the IOP program at Yale. I have my intake on the 13th so I may be starting on the 14th lol. Ok with me. Hard work will pay off I am sure. Also with a brand new love in my life, I feel safe for once.



~Blessed Be~

~Diana (April 4, 2015)