…and coping with them. They suck ass, big fat dirty donkey ass. I haven’t had one like this in a while. The shaking hasn’t totally stopped but I am home and I am safe. I’m still hyperventilating though. Not as much as before but some. I have to grab a lunch bag and breathe into that lol.
There are a lot of tools one learns in psychotherapy but not a lot get used. In a time of panic or in the midst of a flashback sometimes it takes someone talking to you to bring you back. Sometimes you don’t have that luxury and you have to rely on your skills.
I know why I have such a hard time breathing in situations, and there are a lot of situations right now lol. When I was little, no older than 1st grade, I had tonsillitis and was not able to breathe normally, it felt like someone was suffocating me. As a little child all you want is your mom and her loving comfort telling you it’s ok and to fix it. Well, I didn’t get that on a night when it was really bad. I kept crying out for her because I “knew” in my child brain that if I went to sleep I would die. Obviously I did not die but my mother yelled at me to stop calling her and go to sleep. The very thing I feared. In my child mind she was abandoning me and wanted me dead.
The other reason I have issues breathing under stress is because of one particular abusive relationship. The asshole I was involved with ended up strangling and suffocating me as well as beating the shit out of us.
Ok, I had to take a break there… flashback coming back so we went to play some games on FB.
Not even going to spell check this one… fuck that lol because then I would have to read about the flashback and probably have another flashback. I think there is something that happened around this time in April, don’t know what but just have a feeling and I cannot for the life of me figure it out. Something about the 19th. I have no clue. Having a bit of a hard time but it will be ok, I have friends to talk to and cats to pet and things to blog about lol.
I’m not sure if I mentioned some coping skills or not but they help me immensely. I sat there shaking, trembling inside and out but became aware that I was not breathing… looked at my wrists where I have “Breathe” written until I can afford a tat. Started to breathe… 1, 2, in… 1, 2, 3, 4 out… I tried to keep to that. At the same time I was counting the squares in the lights, there are 18 in case you were wondering… focused on the colors in the room, the temperature of the air, the shoes people were wearing etc… using the 5 senses. I was also focused on the taste of the popcorn I was munching on. Most importantly I tried to focus on these words:
In my mind Schrodinger’s cat always survives whether you open the box or not. So this may be a bit disjointed but I will leave you here and move on to another draft for later on or tomorrow. I will say thank you for spending some time with us and this is also therapy for us!
Diana & Joanna (April 17, 2015)