In the Midst of Dissociation ~ Day 85 ~ Fighting Panic


I don’t want to deal with the panic that seems to grow each Sunday since we filed our Appearance and Answer forms on the 23rd of March. The clerk said that in about a week to 10 days we would receive a court date in the mail. So far, nothing. Even on the Housing Court case look up site, nothing. This is the final stage to kicking me and Marshall out for good or maybe by some stroke of luck rent us our home for a reasonable price. It makes me sick. Physically sick. A pit in my stomach that just makes you want to curl into a fetal position moan and cry because it hits so damn deep. It finds its way into every cell of The Body. There is no relief. As much as we despise this horrid wretched feeling we are not fully able to let it go. We have made progress, we didn’t end up under obs this weekend lol.

chaos

I don’t want to feel this and I don’t want any of the others to feel it either. Part of it is we are dealing with unrealistic – well – fairly unrealistic fears. I say it that way because things that the big banks do should and probably in some way are illegal but because they are Big Banking they can get away with stomping the little people. Me and you. If you are a mortgage banker reading this, sorry but your chosen field makes you a really psychopathic unethical person. If you are the maybe one or two out there who actually want to do what is best for your customer, you are not an ass and there should be more like you. Anyway, I digress… back to fighting panic.

You have to understand that the panic I am fighting is due to PTSD that just seems to keep getting repeated over and over these past few years. Being lied to and manipulated by the legal system to the point of losing my home. This happened back when I was 18 or 19 the legal system and their blowjob requesting cops almost cost us our freedom. (We refused and that was the problem lol) Thank Goddess/God that we had one person who believed in us. One. That was all it took. 🙂 We were that one in a billion who really was innocent. That holds some comfort that it can happen again – not the bj lol but end up with someone in a position to help on our side but not as of yet… 

We can’t breathe because we are a bit panicked, we feel trapped, alone. But we are not alone. We may not have the people we thought we would to support us mentally or emotionally but we DO have people. Our people. Our true few. That matters! That matters more than having people there that don’t really care to be there for you. Funny how that can take decades to realize lol. Or maybe it’s just me finally letting go of toxic people – whether they realize they are toxic to me or not.

It’s one of those things where once I finally truly believe things will go according to the process the process will fuck us and fuck us bad. It’s happened over and over again with this foreclosure process. That’s why it’s so hard to be 100% or even 51% certain that we won’t get fucked again by big banking and the legal system. I swear if I hear those famous words yet again from the Judge or anyone else at the court I will probably either run screaming at the person who said it or pass out. Those nasty words are “Oh, that shouldn’t have happened. Sorry, nothing we can do now.” You can read more about that mess Here.

So on avoiding the panic attack we have to…

  • Stop dwelling on what is panicking us
  • Keep it real – nothing will happen today
  • Remember to breathe – into a paper bag if necessary
  • Ground by using all 5 senses – the cat is fluffy, the couch is tan, the candle smells good, the fan’s noise is soothing, there are 5 cushions with 3 unoccupied, the sky is covered with clouds, the temperature in the room is too warm/cool…
  • Move a muscle, change a thought
  • Remember that panic and depression are not the norm or something to get used to feeling to feel ‘normal’
  • Change your view – even just opening the front door and looking out is beneficial
  • Phone a friend or a crisis line if necessary
  • Go to the ED if we don’t feel safe
  • Blog
  • Listen to music or watch a movie

You get the idea. So this is what we will work on today using those tools we learned at our IOP at Yale. However our plan for the day was watching the race in Bristol TN, but the weather may have other plans lol. On that note I will say that we are safe and after sharing this with you, we do feel less panicked and much better. Thank you!!

Until we meet again ~
~Blessed Be~

Diana (April 19, 2015)

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