In the Midst of Dissociation ~ Day 88 ~ Down The Rabbit Hole


Merry Meet!

I (DieAnne) sit here struggling. Scared to death. Wanting something to take the pain away. Promised my therapist we would not cut. I want to cut. Feel the knife and see the blood drops taking away the pain I feel. Diana doesn’t deserve to feel this so that is why I am here. You can check out our latest vlog posts here.

We woke up with Diana in charge as usual, but something happened today that set her off and sent me out front. She – Diana is getting stronger but certain things set her back and that ends up with one of us out front. I was never usually allowed out because I was the one who was going to kill her for her. I could never understand why she fought so hard to live until recently. It’s all about her son, Marshall. She could never leave him like that. She will fight tooth and nail to stay alive. I only realized just how much she loves him recently. One day I just really “saw” him and felt the love that she feels 24/7. I felt my heart beat for the very first time that day and realized that I don’t want to kill her and I totally understand why she wants to live so badly. Except if she ends up on the street, for her that is the ultimate betrayal of society. She will survive tho. Just find somewhere to store her stuff, someone to care for Coco until she finds a home and figure out how to live on the street. No exaggeration here… see for yourself and call any shelter in CT and see what they tell you to do. Then call the number they give you and ask about getting into a shelter. You’ll see. And do not say shit to me unless you called. I’ll know by your reaction if you actually found out what I am talking about or not. Going to a shelter is not an option for us, with dealing with PTSD etc. not good at all. Not good.

When she gets set off, I can feel her hopelessness as well as her hopefulness. She does not believe we will end up living on the street for a month before we can get into a shelter. She believes The Goddess will provide for her like She has been. She, Diana, has faith that she will be provided for. She is doing everything she can to get ahead and make a new life for herself… a life that is not out on the street. As a matter of fact, we just checked the housing court website and while Diana was confident that there would be nothing, I was full of fear. She’s so stupid with her Pollyanna-view of life. Do you want to know how many times we have done the right thing and got fucked bad???? Too many. I’m not even going into it because it will get bad if we do. All we want to do right now is fade away, smoke some pot (not happening lol), drink some wine (not happening). So we are stuck in this awful mess of feeling like we can’t do anything right. The bad unwanted little girl.I have to help protect her.

Diana was set off today by something that came out of the blue, accusations that are not true, partly anyway. Behind our back yet!  The part where I had to unfriend some people is true, reason being there is a major major family event coming up next month that we cannot make. Financial reasons are a big part because we would have to rent a car (Marshalls car needs motor mounts so we can’t be doing a lot of driving, especially up big hills until they get replaced.) besides renting a car we would have to reserve a hotel room. No money for either, much less a wedding gift. The people we had to unfriend for now had to do with these events, there is no way in hell we would be able to look at pictures or read posts about the shower we missed (We were in the hospital that weekend) and the upcoming wedding that we cannot get to. What we need is enough money dropped on us so we could rent a car, buy a gift and go, never mind staying overnight… drive back the same night. Big deal at least we would have been there. But we can’t and no one even offered to help get us there. No surprises there. I as well as most of The Collective have to remember that we are responsible for what we say, NOT for how someone interprets it. I can forgive because they know not what they do and I need peace, Diana needs peace. Anyway… I came across a couple good pics and I will leave you with that.

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~Blessed Be~
~DieAnne (April 22, 2015)

 

 

Shield of Sekhmet ~ April 22, 2015


Merry Meet~

Today I am doing good and not so good at the same time. I decided to set my intent on a Tarot Card to help me with a situation. lol We are always in some type of situation ~ some good, some complex and some just meh. Today is the meh as well as complex. I got what I thought was just one but turned out to be 3. I knew that meant The Universe has more than just a simple answer for us.

I will be looking at them with you… they are still upside down… so here goes.

First off I will explain the Shield of Sekhmet.

Sekhmet is one of our most revered deities, an Egyptian lioness goddess whose name means “the one who is powerful.” In ancient Egypt, she was invoked in times of war to ensure victory and celebrated in times of peace for her powers of healing and reconciliation. This three-card spread is based on a gold aegis, or breastplate shield, with a likeness of Sekhmet (ca. 900-750 BCE). Use this spread when you need to connect with the source of our personal power. ~ from Tales of the Mystical Cats by Lunaea Weatherstone

The first card is “What weakens you?”

X The Wheel

X~The Wheel

So, what weakens me, let’s see…

At the center of the universe is a great cosmic Wheel. This Wheel is kept in motion by a cat, of course, at whose whim it spins fast or slow. All the elements are present — Earth, Sky, Fire, Sea — and all the clans who are made of these elements. From this Wheel flows the essential energy of all creation. Call it fortune, fate, luck, or what you will, it is always changing, as are we. All life turns upon the dancing paws of the spinner of the Wheel.

The Cat’s Advice:

Things are in motion that are beyond your control. The task now is to put yourself into alignment with what the universe intends for you. Watch for signs that will guide your next action. Trust that all will be well, and remember that wherever you are on the Wheel of fate, you will be somewhere else soon; just wait for the Wheel to turn.

Ok, so this really sounds like a positive card, but it is what weakens me and believe it or not it is correct. Things are beyond my control and that weakens me. I have OCD and can be a control freak. (lmfao I can hear chatter from some of The Collective about the OCD and being a control freak… mainly laughter because they know how bad it can get.) Trusting my instincts weakens me because I find it hard to trust myself. Watching for signs is hard when you have more than one voicing their opinions, my sign gets lost and I end up frustrated and confused. With a spinning Wheel as my card for what weakens me, lol yea, on point. Trusting, ha. Trust. phhhht. Ok, fine. I will trust that all will be well. Funny thing is that we really WILL be somewhere else soon because of the foreclosure lol. 

What strengthens me… let’s find out…

Seven of Sky

Seven of Sky

What strengthens me?

With a whoosh of red-flashed wings, a flock of blackbirds explodes into the air, startling a Sky Cat and distracting from her prey. While her attention is diverted, a sly clanmate slinks in and steals the mouse. Now it remains to see if he gets away with it or in the injured party will turn in time to fight for what is rightly hers.

The Cat’s Advice

Because of too many distractions, you are in danger of losing something valuable to you. Consider where you choose to put your time and attention if you want to accomplish your objectives. There also may be something going on behind the scenes that you have been too preoccupied to notice. Pay attention.

If the card is reversed… 

If you have engaged in questionable or unethical behavior, set the situation right whether you’ve been caught in the act or not. Make apologies and reparation as needed. If the behavior has gone on for a long time, rather than just one instance, know that it may take time to regain trust. 

Ok, I’m confused and by the way, the card was reversed for us. So what the fuck does this mean or have to do with what strengthens me? I know I’m supposed to fight for what is right. I am actually in that fight and have been for the past 3 years. I am losing my home of 14 years. My Home. My safe space. It is being ripped from me. I have done all I could and will continue to fight. However, the fight is so tiring and they just want to lay down and die. They want to but I won’t. So I guess I am also in a fight for my life. Honestly I have no clue what this card has to do with what strengthens me. Just that I am a fighter and will do what is right and continue to do so. I will admit fault if I am in the wrong and I expect others to do the same. Oh well, lets move on to how we can best use our power.

How can I best use my power?

Earth Tom

Earth Tom

Patrolling his clan’s territory, this Earth Tom comes upon a kitten who has strayed from her litter. Without hesitation, the tom gathers up the little one and carries her safely over all obstacles to her home. With no mate or kittens of his own yet, the Earth Tom devoted himself to the protective care of his clan. He finds great satisfaction in helping others and is much-loved by his clanmates.

The Cat’s Advice

Through steady work and a cheerful willingness to help others, you are laying a solid foundation for all your future endeavors. Patient attention to increasing your skills will assure prosperity and self-reliance. This card can also indicate someone who is available to help you with practical aid and support.

If the card is reversed… 

Be sure to take care of your physical health and not overdo or take on too much work. You may have offered to help someone who isn’t showing proper appreciation. Either ask for what you need or let it go and enjoy a job well done for its own sake.

Ugh, I don’t know.. this spread today is confusing me. For the last card, it was also reversed like the second one. I know I have health issues, being under constant unrelenting stress causes a lot of stuff. Headaches, body aches, chills, pancreatitis flares, ulcers, you name it. 

I tend to enjoy doing a job and just enjoying the satisfaction of doing it, helping someone else out. What I like getting back is the satisfaction of doing for someone else. Someday it will come back to us. We have definitely been asking for what we need now, more than we used to which was never. lol Let me look at this in the preview so I can read it over and figure out what the cards are trying to tell me. 

Why don’t you go grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine while I review this and then come on back to finish where you left off. 

Ok, so this is what I think… I still am a bit confused but will meditate on it later on to see if something more clicks. I guess that’s it for the cards today. Thanks for spending time with us again.

mother cat and kittens

~Blessed Be~
~Diana & Diane (April 22, 2015)