In the Midst of Dissociation ~ Day 88 ~ Down The Rabbit Hole

Merry Meet!

I (DieAnne) sit here struggling. Scared to death. Wanting something to take the pain away. Promised my therapist we would not cut. I want to cut. Feel the knife and see the blood drops taking away the pain I feel. Diana doesn’t deserve to feel this so that is why I am here. You can check out our latest vlog posts here.

We woke up with Diana in charge as usual, but something happened today that set her off and sent me out front. She – Diana is getting stronger but certain things set her back and that ends up with one of us out front. I was never usually allowed out because I was the one who was going to kill her for her. I could never understand why she fought so hard to live until recently. It’s all about her son, Marshall. She could never leave him like that. She will fight tooth and nail to stay alive. I only realized just how much she loves him recently. One day I just really “saw” him and felt the love that she feels 24/7. I felt my heart beat for the very first time that day and realized that I don’t want to kill her and I totally understand why she wants to live so badly. Except if she ends up on the street, for her that is the ultimate betrayal of society. She will survive tho. Just find somewhere to store her stuff, someone to care for Coco until she finds a home and figure out how to live on the street. No exaggeration here… see for yourself and call any shelter in CT and see what they tell you to do. Then call the number they give you and ask about getting into a shelter. You’ll see. And do not say shit to me unless you called. I’ll know by your reaction if you actually found out what I am talking about or not. Going to a shelter is not an option for us, with dealing with PTSD etc. not good at all. Not good.

When she gets set off, I can feel her hopelessness as well as her hopefulness. She does not believe we will end up living on the street for a month before we can get into a shelter. She believes The Goddess will provide for her like She has been. She, Diana, has faith that she will be provided for. She is doing everything she can to get ahead and make a new life for herself… a life that is not out on the street. As a matter of fact, we just checked the housing court website and while Diana was confident that there would be nothing, I was full of fear. She’s so stupid with her Pollyanna-view of life. Do you want to know how many times we have done the right thing and got fucked bad???? Too many. I’m not even going into it because it will get bad if we do. All we want to do right now is fade away, smoke some pot (not happening lol), drink some wine (not happening). So we are stuck in this awful mess of feeling like we can’t do anything right. The bad unwanted little girl.I have to help protect her.

Diana was set off today by something that came out of the blue, accusations that are not true, partly anyway. Behind our back yet!  The part where I had to unfriend some people is true, reason being there is a major major family event coming up next month that we cannot make. Financial reasons are a big part because we would have to rent a car (Marshalls car needs motor mounts so we can’t be doing a lot of driving, especially up big hills until they get replaced.) besides renting a car we would have to reserve a hotel room. No money for either, much less a wedding gift. The people we had to unfriend for now had to do with these events, there is no way in hell we would be able to look at pictures or read posts about the shower we missed (We were in the hospital that weekend) and the upcoming wedding that we cannot get to. What we need is enough money dropped on us so we could rent a car, buy a gift and go, never mind staying overnight… drive back the same night. Big deal at least we would have been there. But we can’t and no one even offered to help get us there. No surprises there. I as well as most of The Collective have to remember that we are responsible for what we say, NOT for how someone interprets it. I can forgive because they know not what they do and I need peace, Diana needs peace. Anyway… I came across a couple good pics and I will leave you with that.

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~Blessed Be~
~DieAnne (April 22, 2015)



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