Deep. Dark. Confusion.
Yup that’s all I feel right now, well, mainly anyway. I feel as if I am being shoved down the rabbit hole then taking a sharp left into despair and abandonment. I feel like that dirty little girl that everyone was taught to disrespect. Like I was not a real person with real feelings. It’s sunny and bright outside yet it is dark where I am inside right now.
All it took was a sound. The faint sound that came through the fog of sleep. There are those out there that wish me harm… whether intentionally or not… they are wishing me harm. They are filling their own heads with stories made up with nothing but facts that they only perceive.
My head is buzzing, my body is hot but I am cold and alone with this. Alone like The One Whose Name We Do Not Speak was always alone. Abandoned. Confused. Shattered and hurt.
Those that are supposed to have your back don’t. You get kicked around verbally like a balloon at a concert. Eventually you are left on the ground, tossed in the trash or swept away. It is forgotten that you are a human being deserving of respect and love.
I believe you can teach an old dog new tricks. Just because you were brought up one way does not mean that you have to continue in that path if it is not the right path. The dog just has to want to learn. The dog just has to care enough to unlearn bad behavior and see what is right there in front of it. What do you do when the dog refuses? When the dog becomes rabid? When the dog attacks?
You put the dog down, forgive it, walk away, sadder and lighter and get yourself a cat.
And I will continue to survive.
Diana (April 25, 2015)
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