I figure I will put some of the progress and realizations I have had the past few months or so. It all started when I decided to become open about having DID. I am no longer afraid and I will say that someone I went to high school with once told me that they are open about their DID because it is who they are. It took me a long time but, yes, it is me. And the sooner I accepted it the better.
I still hesitate to say I have a mental illness, psychiatric illness whatever you want to call what I deal with, but I have a few different dx including the dissociative disorder that prove that fact. I wanted to say “unfortunately” after the last sentence but I didn’t. That’s a little progress right there. Actually, becoming open about it is pretty major. Just yesterday when I was at Diagnostic Imaging I mentioned it to the wonderful woman who shot me up with radioactive stuff (hahaa I am radioactive until this afternoon – then I go back to my regular glow lmao) and it was like nothing to talk about it. She actually thanked me for opening up about it!! She really was awesome and I totally forgot her name. Dammit. Anyway, I never really had someone thank me for being open about that before. It was nice. She didn’t make me feel like a freak. Just a regular patient 🙂
So some progress, I have learned why I was obsessed with certain personal things and it was because of things that happened in childhood. One of them is that I can’t deal with my limbs falling asleep, that awful feeling was imprinted in me because of childhood incidents where I was not allowed to move to relieve that sensation. I won’t go into what it was. That’s not important, the realization is.
Same thing with my breathing, the choking feeling, the suffocating feeling. Also started in childhood and was imprinted even more with abusive relationships that involved me being smothered, choked and beaten by bad choices in relationships. As Marshall says repeatedly, I have a bad picker. Always picking the wrong people thinking they are the right people. I really hate the fact that he is right. ugh. Damn.
I am ok with who we are. We are who we are and we are fucking awesome! We are learning that We Matter. We have a voice. We can stick up for ourselves and it is OK!!! We do not have to get dragged into someone else’s drama. We Matter.
That’s about all for now my cyber friends, I have to get ready to leave for my IOP.
Thanks for joining me here and enjoy the slideshow of pics that mean something to me and tie into this post 🙂
Diana~ (April 28, 2015)