Glad you could stop by and visit. Yes, today was my 7th day in the IOP program (this time around lol). Today also is a day where I feel good. Really good. It’s kind of going away but it’s ok. I felt good today and it is a feeling I have not had in a long long time. I did have a little panic attack earlier but it had since dissipated to just free-floating anxiety. Talking with Marion helped. She is a good friend to us. I just have to remember that the fear I felt is unreasonable yet, understandable. What am I talking about? If you didn’t read my last post (The Tarot one Here) it was due to getting the mail and finding a letter from the Marshal there. It was nothing to do with the condo but it was about my car taxes, I guess they are getting greedy. I always pay it prior to the next renewal of the registration. Geeze. But that unrealistic fear was there rearing its ugly head in a panic attack. A little one but it took 3 hours for my hands to stop shaking. lol Before I said it was unreasonable yet, understandable. It is understandable because in the past we had been taken advantage of by the legal system and now we are dealing with foreclosure and were also taken advantage of like many many others who are now in foreclosure. But let’s get to Focus.
The focus must be on me. Not anyone else. No one else defines me. I cannot and will not allow anyone else to define me. If I focus on others expectations — I lose. Plain and simple. I go down the rabbit hole in a bad way. I like going down the rabbit hole in a good way! A learning way, my way. Focus is important. By focusing on me and only me and my reactions I can start to understand my patterns, what triggers me and learn from it. I have to discover my roots. The root of my panic attack earlier… I learned from that and this time the panic was less than it normally would have been. A week ago or even a few days ago this letter coming would have sent me into a very bad state without even opening it and I know we would have either cut or been in such a state we would have needed to be under obs again. So there is more progress for you!
I need to comfort my inner child, she was sentenced without a trial. I had no idea of that yet we were the ones who sentenced her. Now we don’t know how to undo that. I believe we can try by focusing on what is right instead of so much of what is or was wrong.
I need to focus on all the life outside and beyond me. Slow down and smell the smell of fresh-cut grass, the sweet blooms, focus on the wonder of the clear night sky…The world is filled with wonder and mystery… who wouldn’t want to focus on that instead of all the negative??!
I choose to live for ME not anyone else. It is MY life and I am reclaiming it because I am worth it and I Matter.
~Diana (April 28, 2015)