In The Midst of Dissociation ~ Day 106 ~ Memories


Merry meet!

Wow, all of a sudden I was gifted with this vivid memory. Something I never knew until now. I can feel the cool evening air with the sun setting, the comforting smell of a moist garden. (The veggie kind you perv! lmao I realized the duality of that right after I typed it lmfao!) The chatting with my patients neighbors before going inside to get her settled for the night. So vivid and so very unexpected… I wanted to get this down before I forgot I even remembered it. I want to see if there is more. That one ended right there. Short and sweet. I don’t think I could take a longer unexpected memory. lol Eh, I shouldn’t be surprised because we have been extremely “switchy” of late.

Hmmm, funny but weird, I just had a memory of a memory I do not have. That would be moving in to our condo in Naugatuck. I don’t remember where we even moved from. Moving in there? Total blank. A bbq with our brother-in-law and his wife, that I have a snippet of a memory of and that was in that condo.

My father’s wedding… no memory. If there was a bridal shower for that bitch stepmonster, no clue. I think, am pretty sure?, that we were in it. There are no pictures that I have ever remembered seeing either so that doesn’t help the memory. Maybe I wasn’t there. I don’t know.

I guess a memory of a memory you don’t have is still a memory but just not the one you wanted to remember.

I don’t remember my first cat but I know her name was Fuzzy.

I remember a split second of being in the Bridgeport DMV with my brother back in the early 80’s (he needed me then lol) and I was wearing my light blue skinny jeans with my cream-colored ankle boots, don’t remember anything else. 

I remember being pinned on the floor in my kitchen when I was about 19 by my so-called boyfriend, he was kneeling over me, hands around my neck squeezing… I remember my arm in mid swing with a pot to his head. You see, he made the mistake of pinning me down in the kitchen close enough to a cabinet that I was able to grab a weapon.

It’s funny, this phenomenon we call “memory”. Funny because we can recall an event, in part or in entirety while at the same time recall something we know we are supposed to have some memory of — yet we don’t. It’s like the true memories are gift boxes you open up and experience with all the sensory experiences… like this:

explosion in technicolor

Then you have what I tend to experience the most… the pretty box holding a precious memory, I can feel the outline of it, it is experienced as one-dimensional. Hopeful and excited we open the memory… there is nothing more there, just the sad reminder of what was that no longer is.

empty-christmas-box

I guess I will leave off here… enjoy this Saturday night in my home while it is still My Home. Imagine the possibilities that lay ahead! I woke up this morning thinking to myself that something good is going to happen today. I’m still waiting but I will not lose hope… there is still a few hours left of today lol.

Blessed Be~
Diana (May 9, 2015)

Mystical Cat’s Tarot ~ Six of Sky ~ May 9, 2015


Merry Meet! 

Today’s intent while shuffling was pretty much a cry saying “What do we do now? We’ve always landed on our feet, but what do we do now? For Wednesday?” (For those of you who may have missed a post of two, Wednesday is the day we go to housing court to see when and if we get evicted from our home of 14 years.) So it is a little different and a more specific question to get an answer to. What is interesting is we drew a card we have not drawn from this deck since we purchased it. It is (Drumroll please… lol) the Six of Sky! Now, mind you, I am reviewing this as I type so I do not yet know what this card’s meaning is. You are finding out with me.

Six of Sky

Six of Sky:

It’s not easy being part of the Sky Clan. You must be always on your guard, always ready for a fight, always on the lookout for an enemy on the prowl. This cat has had enough. Leaving the battle to rage on without him, he withdraws to lick his wounds and consider his options. He may return to his clan in time or he may strike out on his own. Either way, he will live to fight another day.

The Cat’s Advice:

There is no disgrace in leaving a bad situation. Don’t let a false idea about needing to complete what you started from cutting your losses. Sometimes things look attractive at the start but evolve to become untenable. Those whose opinions matter to you most will understand and support you.

Interesting. This is so very true about being on guard, ready for a fight, always on the lookout. Our life has been like that now for 3 years. This cat HAS had enough. We are at our breaking point and I think that we need to lick our wounds and think about things. The good thing is we will live to fight another day. Not today. But another day. 

We are certainly in a bad situation and one way or another it will end soon. There are not many whose opinions matter, but for those whose do.. I love you dearly. 

Well, thank you for reading this with us. I think now we will do some deep breathing meditations… you probably should take 10 as well lol. See ya next time! 🙂

~Blessed Be~
~Diana~ (May 9, 2015)

p.s. if you want to see our latest vlog, you can check it out Here.