In The Midst of Dissociation ~ Day 106 ~ Memories


Merry meet!

Wow, all of a sudden I was gifted with this vivid memory. Something I never knew until now. I can feel the cool evening air with the sun setting, the comforting smell of a moist garden. (The veggie kind you perv! lmao I realized the duality of that right after I typed it lmfao!) The chatting with my patients neighbors before going inside to get her settled for the night. So vivid and so very unexpected… I wanted to get this down before I forgot I even remembered it. I want to see if there is more. That one ended right there. Short and sweet. I don’t think I could take a longer unexpected memory. lol Eh, I shouldn’t be surprised because we have been extremely “switchy” of late.

Hmmm, funny but weird, I just had a memory of a memory I do not have. That would be moving in to our condo in Naugatuck. I don’t remember where we even moved from. Moving in there? Total blank. A bbq with our brother-in-law and his wife, that I have a snippet of a memory of and that was in that condo.

My father’s wedding… no memory. If there was a bridal shower for that bitch stepmonster, no clue. I think, am pretty sure?, that we were in it. There are no pictures that I have ever remembered seeing either so that doesn’t help the memory. Maybe I wasn’t there. I don’t know.

I guess a memory of a memory you don’t have is still a memory but just not the one you wanted to remember.

I don’t remember my first cat but I know her name was Fuzzy.

I remember a split second of being in the Bridgeport DMV with my brother back in the early 80’s (he needed me then lol) and I was wearing my light blue skinny jeans with my cream-colored ankle boots, don’t remember anything else. 

I remember being pinned on the floor in my kitchen when I was about 19 by my so-called boyfriend, he was kneeling over me, hands around my neck squeezing… I remember my arm in mid swing with a pot to his head. You see, he made the mistake of pinning me down in the kitchen close enough to a cabinet that I was able to grab a weapon.

It’s funny, this phenomenon we call “memory”. Funny because we can recall an event, in part or in entirety while at the same time recall something we know we are supposed to have some memory of — yet we don’t. It’s like the true memories are gift boxes you open up and experience with all the sensory experiences… like this:

explosion in technicolor

Then you have what I tend to experience the most… the pretty box holding a precious memory, I can feel the outline of it, it is experienced as one-dimensional. Hopeful and excited we open the memory… there is nothing more there, just the sad reminder of what was that no longer is.

empty-christmas-box

I guess I will leave off here… enjoy this Saturday night in my home while it is still My Home. Imagine the possibilities that lay ahead! I woke up this morning thinking to myself that something good is going to happen today. I’m still waiting but I will not lose hope… there is still a few hours left of today lol.

Blessed Be~
Diana (May 9, 2015)