In the Midst of Dissociation ~ Day 116 ~ Stumbling


Merry Meet!

Today in our Community Meeting before my DBT Track we had a reading that rang that “Aha! Ooooh” bell. It put some things in perspective for what I’m facing now. Here is the reading and I will explain after.

Follow your dream…
if you stumble, don’t stop and lose sight of your goal, press on to the top.
For only on top can we see the whole view. ~ Amanda Bradley

Today, we can, each of us, look back on our lives and get a glimmering of why something happened and how it fit into the larger mosaic of our lives. And this will continue to be true for us. We have stumbled. We will stumble. And we learn about ourselves, about what makes us stumble and about the methods of picking ourselves up.
Life is a process, a learning process that needs those stumbles to increase our awareness of the steps we need to take to find our dream at the top. None of us could realize the part our stumbling played in the past. But now we see. When we fall, we need to trust that, as before, our falls are “up”, not down.

dandelions-love-heart-bob-rasulev

I see, even though I don’t want to, how my stumbles have prepared me for this situation that I am in now with the eviction looming. Actually, just one stumble in particular, one very very very very (add a bunch more “very’s” lol) horrific stumble. I was homeless before. A long time ago, a very bad time ago, a time I do not want to remember or deal with. But yes, I was homeless for about 6 months or so. We totally dissociated and ended up in another state, like 1000 miles away from home. We stayed at campgrounds, cheap motels, even slept in the car and on the beach for 3 months. Worked day jobs when they were available, getting up at around 4am to do so. Got a couple of jobs working in a motel as a maid in exchange for room and board. What flipped our switch and ‘woke’ us up was my boyfriend at the time laying his hands on me. Big mistake. Bitch came out and hauled off and decked him. Then we switched, realized where we were and not totally sure what happened so we left him behind in jail and went home. Once we got home we were staying with a friend until we could get things sorted out. So, yea, about 6 months or so we were homeless.

In a weird way now that it is sinking in it is almost calming… unless it’s my meds kicking in lol. The oddly calming part is that we made it through the other side then and we will again now. I have to look at this new stumble as a purge. Then it seems new and exciting rather than impossibly daunting. I like that outlook much better! Wow. What a realization. A HUGE realization and a change in attitude… I’m hoping the change in attitude about this stays around until we are settled in a new place.

Please send love and light, if you do distance Reiki, that would really be appreciated! So, thanks for spending some time with us here at the Space Bar… have a wonderful day and I will see you again soon!

 

Blessed Be,
Diana (May 19, 2015)