In the Midst of Dissociation ~ Day 124 ~ Resignation

Merry Meet!

I am hovering between “Resignation” and “Acceptance” for the title. I can’t decide if I have accepted my fate or if I am simply resigned to the fact.

Let’s take a look at the meanings and maybe I can get this figured out.

Acceptance: noun

1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2. favorable reception; approval; favor.
3. the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4. the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.

Resignation: noun

1. the act of resigning.
2. a formal statement, document, etc., stating that one gives up an office, position, etc.
3. an accepting, unresisting attitude, state, etc.; submission; acquiescence: to meet one’s fate with resignation.

Nope. Sticking with resignation. I am definitely not in acceptance mode. I don’t know, maybe you can tell me after reading this. But I’m still sticking with resignation. “Acquiescence” is where we are as well. Maybe that should be the title. While I do accept what is happening, it is not favorable and there is nothing being offered… as of yet… we do have a couple of offers but they are not feasible. One may be. Not sure yet.

Anyway, I guess I am resigned to the fact that I am losing my home of 15 years. The actual date it will no longer be mine to occupy is June 30 2015. As of yet I have not started packing in any physical form but I noticed that I am mentally packing.

Marshall most likely has a place to crash while we get back on our feet, but as for me… shelter? park bench? under a bridge? a friend’s couch? I have no clue yet. I don’t even have a car to crash in. lol hahaa “car to crash in”. Meh. I am resigned to the fact that we will not be moving into an apartment after this. Now I can move forward more so than I could before. When you don’t know where you are going it is impossible to pack. At least for me anyway. I am going to have to live out of my suitcase for a while, that seems the most likely. It sucks, it’s throwing me into a very severe depression. This depression is bad. But having to acquiescence to becoming homeless (again *sigh*) really sucks. Anyone would get depressed. It just sucks that I am already very depressed. Just the thought of getting out of bed is overwhelming at this point.

I think now would be a good time to join a gym, they have showers. Can’t beat that with a stick, pay $10 or even $20/month for a hot shower whenever I can get there? Not too bad. Well, anyway… I have to find a place to crash for me and Miss Coco, find a reasonable storage unit, decide what I want to keep when we start over again with a new place to live. That will probably take 6 months? It will also depend on when my disability goes through, my hearing is at the end of September and I just got some new papers in the mail from my lawyer to fill out and send back. So on that note… I will look that over and also do my DBT homework.

*sigh* Well, if you’re so inclined, send some love, light and positive energy my way. it would be very much appreciated.

Blessed be,
~Melany (May 27, 2015)