This day is starting out on a low note. Feeling pretty depressed and lost. Just thinking about becoming homeless and what I will lose. The thought of only keeping what I can carry is devastating. The fact that my sisters do not give a fuck is devastating. I don’t know if they think I’m kidding about being homeless or what. I’ve done nothing but try and do my best but it doesn’t even matter, I’m still losing my home of 14 years in a matter of a few weeks. Anyway, the reading in the Community Meeting yesterday struck a chord with us. I decided it would be a good one to share. I think this post will help me get a better grip on my own expectations. Dial them in. I can’t keep thinking about what I would do for someone in my situation because that is not going to happen for me unfortunately.
Having too-high expectations is a setup for disappointment. Expectations that are high lend themselves to a fantasy life, and reality can never match our fantasies. When we get hooked on the fantasies, somehow thinking they are reality, or should be reality, we are vulnerable to the hurt that accompanies the emergence of “the real”. Then we feel cheated–bitter: “Why did this have to happen to me?”
Having too-high expectations was a familiar feeling before recovery. And it remains familiar to us, even now. Dreams and aspirations aren’t wrong. In fact, they beckon us on to better and greater things. But dreams of what we can become through responsible choices are quite different from idle expectations of what will or should be.
Expectations. I guess thinking that others would do for me what I would do for them in the same situation is a really really high expectation. I’m talking about things like if I can do the right thing, then why can someone else? I guess my expectation that I matter like I think I should matter is warped. You can’t force yourself on someone, not mentally, not emotionally or physically. If they don’t want you they don’t want you. If they don’t want to listen to you, they don’t want to listen. If they don’t want to help you, they don’t want to help you. One thing that pisses me off is when you get treated like dirt and like you are stupid by customer service reps. I just think about what happened with Wells Fargo. I still can’t wrap my head around all the crap they pulled on not only me but thousands of other customers. I worked in customer service for years and not once, never ever did I lie to a member. I was honest with them whether it landed me an earful of curses or not. I guess that’s why I cannot wrap my head around this impending homelessness. Well, to be honest I’m sure my son will let me sleep in his car lol. He’s getting evicted with me but he will be staying with his dad and his place is too small even for them so I’m out. lol
I don’t know how to change my expectations except to stare the facts and reality right in their ugly nasty face. Ugly Nasty Fact: I’m losing my home and will be homeless at the end of the month. Not So Ugly Nasty Fact: I can use this as a purge. Fact: I will never ever believe any financial advisors or institutions again. Fucked up Fact: The state screwed up my cash benefit and I have not gotten it in 2 months which in turn fucks me bad. Worst possible time. Absolute worst. Fucked up Fact: My siblings don’t want anything to do with me, at least the sisters don’t. Why they would rather see me homeless I don’t know. I would take any of them in if they were in need immediately if there was any possible way to do so. Fact: I don’t want to think about this right now.
I guess I will just ponder why my expectations are where they are and how to change that to more accurately represent my world. It’s not easy and my head feels like a big boulder right now trying to think about it.
I never expected when push comes to shove in my life that the ones that I expected to be there in some way shape or form would become the shovers. That my dear ones is not a judgment, it is a fact. Their actions or I should say non actions are trying to push me and push me but I am hanging on tight. Because….
Anyway, I can’t really think right now… I will just meander into the kitchen and enjoy cooking because one day soon I will not have that luxury for who knows how long. But I Will Have It Again One Day!!!
Thanks for sticking with me here….Until next time…
Diana (June 5, 2015)