In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 161 ~ (Un)Comfortably Numb

Merry Meet,

Well, the eviction date came and went. Marshall and I are now settling into our respective places. Me, with friends, him with his Pops. I know that in time he and his dad will really get to know each other. It’s about time! I’m glad about that part, the part about finally having an empty nest… well, that I’m not so happy about. It’s time though.

I’ve shut down. As the title states… I am numb but not comfortably. I feel nothing. So much major loss in such a short time takes its toll. In the past couple months I have lost my sisters – their choice, not mine and I don’t even know why. They want nothing to do with me. They couldn’t have picked a worse time. A time in my life when I needed them most they abandoned me totally. All I know is karma can bite them in the ass at any time. Oh well, that’s all on them. We lost our home of 15 years. But, yea, I am not feeling anything. All my emotions seem to be severed from the core. Even my alters are numb. It’s a very scary feeling. But yet, I don’t feel the fear I just accept that it is there. I’m not sure what it means or what will come of it… or even if it will go away.

Is there a switch looming? Is there a total breakdown looming? Is there a freakout coming? Will I stay like this forever? Will I end up hospitalized? Will we be ok? When will the dissociation settle down to a dull roar? We know we should be feeling a ton of feelings right now. We left so much. Each of us could only take what would fit in a room. One room. I had a condo with 2 bedrooms and a laundry room/garage. You can imagine just how much stuff we left.

That is what I mean about feeling uncomfortably numb. I don’t feel real but on the flip side I can feel gratitude, not fully but somewhat. I may not feel it much but I am one blessed chica. I have a great son, a wonderful ex husband, great great friends and both kitties lol. Do not mistake my numbness for an uncaring attitude, totally different. It’s like the emotions are stuck behind a gigantic wall.

Welp, that’s all for now, we will see what the next moment, hour or week holds…

Until next time,

Blessed Be,
Diana (July 3, 2015)

5 thoughts on “In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 161 ~ (Un)Comfortably Numb

  1. The disassociation of you brain from what is happening right now is a protective mechanism that it probably necessary for the time being.

    Our brain wants to protect us from further trauma. I have experienced the derealization / depersonalization state before. It is like doing things in a dream or like you are watching yourself in a movie.

    I would not try to force myself out of it. Do some self care and pamper yourself if possible. Eat some favorite foods that you do not have to cook.

    Do some relaxing activity that you like , such as watching a movie , or coloring, or a bath.

    Process your losses and go through the grieving process for each one individually, as your brain is able to deal with it. All of the losses are too much for your brain to process at once and yes, then you could force a mental breakdown.

    Annie ❤

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