Well, the eviction date came and went. Marshall and I are now settling into our respective places. Me, with friends, him with his Pops. I know that in time he and his dad will really get to know each other. It’s about time! I’m glad about that part, the part about finally having an empty nest… well, that I’m not so happy about. It’s time though.
I’ve shut down. As the title states… I am numb but not comfortably. I feel nothing. So much major loss in such a short time takes its toll. In the past couple months I have lost my sisters – their choice, not mine and I don’t even know why. They want nothing to do with me. They couldn’t have picked a worse time. A time in my life when I needed them most they abandoned me totally. All I know is karma can bite them in the ass at any time. Oh well, that’s all on them. We lost our home of 15 years. But, yea, I am not feeling anything. All my emotions seem to be severed from the core. Even my alters are numb. It’s a very scary feeling. But yet, I don’t feel the fear I just accept that it is there. I’m not sure what it means or what will come of it… or even if it will go away.
Is there a switch looming? Is there a total breakdown looming? Is there a freakout coming? Will I stay like this forever? Will I end up hospitalized? Will we be ok? When will the dissociation settle down to a dull roar? We know we should be feeling a ton of feelings right now. We left so much. Each of us could only take what would fit in a room. One room. I had a condo with 2 bedrooms and a laundry room/garage. You can imagine just how much stuff we left.
That is what I mean about feeling uncomfortably numb. I don’t feel real but on the flip side I can feel gratitude, not fully but somewhat. I may not feel it much but I am one blessed chica. I have a great son, a wonderful ex husband, great great friends and both kitties lol. Do not mistake my numbness for an uncaring attitude, totally different. It’s like the emotions are stuck behind a gigantic wall.
Welp, that’s all for now, we will see what the next moment, hour or week holds…
Until next time,
Diana (July 3, 2015)