So, here we sit next to the living room window. It’s a pretty good size too. Nice view of some huge trees. But we or one or more of us is having a panic attack. I wanted to go for a walk this afternoon but with my heart racing and my breath playing hard to get… I changed my mind. (For now anyway.) This anxiety attack is pretty much keeping this good girl down. My hands are shaking my body is shaking… I feel like a scared chihuahua. Only I’m not scared.
Well, we’ve been out of our home of 15 years for 10 days now. July 1, 2015 this new chapter began. Am I in a free fall? Have we landed? Have I landed? What did we land on? Is it terra firma? Or is it quicksand that we are slowly sinking in without even realizing it?
The first night in my new place I thought we surely would spend in tears but as the time to leave our home creeped up and finally came, the thought of crying and the act of crying — whatever connects the two — was severed. We knew that we had felt that we would be in tears for the first few nights after this drastic move however that feeling and the act were no longer connected. The thought of crying, well, it feels like something we have never done yet we have memories of. It seems foreign. Like it was someone else and not me. That is scary. We don’t want to switch and I, Diana, feel like I’m still here but a stripped down version left with no emotions and only the necessities to run. I guess you can call it Safe Mode.
I’m not so sure I like this Safe Mode. I am numb and like I said in a prior post, not comfortably either. I can sense gratitude for what I am provided with but it is a hollow feeling. I can say that when Marshall came to visit us yesterday, we did feel joy much more than any other emotion. It was still kind of hollow but there were fleeting glimpses of actual joy!
Safe Mode sucks but I can understand why it was put in place. We turned into an only child who happens to have siblings. 2 of them abandoned us at the worst possible time. Marshall is sick of the crap they have been dishing out to me. (Of which we did not partake of.) We lost our battle to keep our home of 15 years. We went from our condo to renting a room in a condo. Drastic changes. There are more things but I’ll just leave it at that. That’s plenty I would say. We are not looking for sympathy because these things just “are”. They happened, we need to move on. I think that is where Safe Mode comes in, to help us move on. There are some things that just hurt to the core and we cannot deal with. Changes that have occurred that are really a good thing but right now it is like we are in a weird fairy tale. Down the rabbit hole. Staying safe and not sticking our ears out until wabbit season is over!
On that note… until next time…
Diana (July 10, 2015)