In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 177 ~ Memories

Memories for this multiple are very different than most people’s. From talking to my “single” friends I have found this out. For one thing they – singles – do not have to constantly “fake” it. I’m not saying that everyone doesn’t need a nudge at times because at some point you will if you haven’t already. Memories may elude you but for me, some just aren’t there no matter how we try to remember. We have to rely on our others most times. Other times we “remember” because we have been embarrassed in the past. Embarrassed how? you ask… I’ll tell you.

Here is a good example… my Pops 50th birthday party. I guess I was there because I saw pictures at one point and also I was told I was there when I questioned something like I wasn’t there. Did that make sense? I hope you know what I mean. THAT and instances like that are horribly embarrassing. I have no memory of it except for one snapshot I saw and the fact that I was told I was there. Like, Duh. Ugh. Frustrating. I have absolutely no memory of my Pops wedding to the stepmonster either. I don’t even have any pictures to prove I was there but I think I was told I was. I was probably a bridesmaid but I don’t know. I have one memory of before either the wedding or a bridal shower for the monster and that was making crepe paper flowers to decorate a wishing well thingy. I can go on and on of what we don’t remember but I would rather concentrate on what we DO know.

I believe I have a “tell” as well. When I am in a conversation and I do not know the answer to something I should, my eyes sometimes visibly scan while I am frantically trying to get some information. I noticed it one day when I was trying to remember something I had no memory of but one or more of the others held the knowledge. While I was asking inside I noticed I was looking all around, left, right, left, right….. up.. down… left, right… while I was getting the information, you get the picture.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… my system is kind of like a computer where different information is held in different folders only my folders happen to be people. It’s frustrating not to be able to remember things. It’s frustrating that others can get upset or frustrated when we don’t know something we seemed to know in the past. The fact of the matter is we cannot do anything more about it. Maybe one day we will have all the memories, maybe not but this is what we have to work with so we will work it!

That’s all for now… until next time…

Diana (July 19, 2015)