In The Midst Of Dissociation ~ Day 178 ~ Growing Up

It took us a lot of years but we have come to an understanding of sort. There were plenty of times when we were a child that we absolutely drove our parents nuts. One of us may have done something but then went away and let another take the blame totally unknowing what they were getting punished for. Of course our cries of “what did we do” probably just made them madder and we would get punished longer. I’m not saying that was every single time but it was enough.

Back then we were not co-conscious so we were not aware of each other. That came in 1991. February 20, 1991 to be exact. We call it The Reverse Shatter. We were 29 years old. More about that another time. But not being aware of one another did cause a lot of problems. We would get accused of this or that and we were left wondering. That just pushed us deeper into our own world. We felt alone, left out, unwanted, unworthy. We still have no idea what caused us to split and maybe never will. The people who could have told us have long since passed. Passed before we were even able to tell them about the dx of DID. That happened in March of 1991. My Pops passed 2 months later and my mom had passed at the young age of 42 in 1981. 1981 was a midst of turmoil as we were in a very abusive relationship at the time as well.

It depends on who is around as to what we can remember. Right now I remember crying sitting in my room on the floor trying to choke myself not realizing that when you start to lose consciousness your hands lose their grip and it was for nothing. It didn’t stop us from trying it again. With the same result of course. We were too young to know any better.

So many questions yet no one to ask. Anyway… before we depress ourselves…

Until next time…

Diane (July 20, 2015)