Integration: From We to Me ~ Interesting Stuff

So, I’ve been thinking about why some things bother me now and the same things never bothered me before. I am referring to my name, who I am. How hard it must be for others to “go along” with my personality changes that have names attached to them. I really got hit over the head with it when I was at the funeral. There, in that group of friends I am “Joanna”. Always have been and probably always will be. I became friends with Sandy prior to her becoming Vanessa… in her case it was after she became a US citizen that she changed her name. But when I was introducing myself to people I found it hard to remember that in this group I’ve always been “Joanna”. It felt wrong coming out of my mouth but I let it go because of the circumstances as well as how often I see them. (Not Vanessa and her kids, but her extended family is who I don’t see for years at a time.) Joanna is/was an altar that I was comfortable with and she has since been integrated. If it was the first time I met any of them, then, of course I would have introduced myself as Saila. But when we first met, it was Joanna at the helm. I wasn’t going to cause any confusion at the funeral… just say “Joanna” and be done with it… I know I slipped up and used my real name at least once lol. So, big deal… shoot me.

Aaaargh!!! It’s so frustrating!! How can I remember who was introduced to who! I have no fucking idea. There are few and far between exceptions that I will make. One is NOT being called by the name we do not mention. I’ve actually hid that name in a couple of blogs. Not sure if you found it or not. There is a little trick to actually seeing it. I guess I’m getting a taste of what Singles go through with me. I Don’t Like It and Just Want to Be Me!!!!! I really think this is a huge step in my integration process! The realization of how confusing it is to others because now it is confusing to ME! It never was confusing to me before. But then again, we’ve never attempted integration before. We’ve never had any success in treating my DID before either… I mean I did have some success in the past in dealing with it, in learning to live with it etc. while in therapy, but nothing like what is happening in DBT! It is really amazing! Really!!! I am overwhelmed with gratitude to my clinician in helping me work through this process. After all it was her idea to attempt integration. It was just my idea to agree to try. I guess more of me wants to integrate than not. So that’s a good thing!

But the name thing… OMG. Aaargh! Just call me by my legal name, Saila, and be done with it! I don’t want to have to explain why but I will if I really have to.

Well, that’s all for now…

Saila signing off… (08.31.15)

Integration: From We to Me ~ Death & Funerals

I spent the weekend in Jersey with my best friend and her husband. Her husband’s father passed away and I surprised her by showing up with her son. I was so glad to be there for her. I don’t know why but it is so much easier to be at a wake and funeral for a friend than for family. I was thinking about that while we were there. I believe that because there was no real personal connection, like a parent or uncle or another relative that is why it was easier. Sure, I knew him but was not related by blood or marriage. I knew the deceased through my friend and had met him only a few times. I was there for her.

My parents are both gone, my mom passed when I was a teenager and my dad passed when I was in my late 20’s. Those were traumatic, obviously, and I don’t remember either one’s funeral or wake. Ever since then I have not been able to successfully get through a relatives funeral. For some reason, I run. I’m talking literally. So I just gave up trying to go. I can grieve in my own way whether others understand it or not. Maybe one day I will be able to go to a relatives funeral, maybe not. Only time will tell, I still have some left. (Time and relatives lol)

Anyway, there is understanding coming to me more and more. There are things that are coming into the light for me and it is a good thing. Maybe one day I will be considered “normal”, maybe not. All I know is that I am normal in my opinion! 🙂


Saila (08.30.15)