DBT & DID: Chapter 1

Well, here we are after mulling this over the past couple days. Came up with some thoughts that weren’t too pleasant. Sure, we have the help of our clinician and we will soon have a private therapist to help us along the way as well… but we will still be doing this by ourselves. We have a couple of friends we can talk to, especially Marion but no support from our sisters. That really hurts. So far for both “Friend and Family Nights” they decided not to show even though they were invited to both. (It’s a general meeting for our support systems to understand how and what we are doing in this type of therapy.) I really am at a loss but have hope that my brother can make the next one. No more inviting the sisters. If I do decide to invite them again and they shut us down again it will be my own fault getting hurt again and I will have no one but myself to blame this time. Hope for a relationship with them has set sail after the last time. Besides, Marshall would probably kick our butt for sticking our neck out for them again. lol He has said to us before “Why do you keep trying?” All I can say to that is that they are my sisters. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I usually never talk about family like this here but it is a part of my life and I’m done right now. Why we would be abandoned when we need(ed) them most is beyond me. Welp, true colors come out in times of crisis don’t they. Complete strangers were there for us when they weren’t. Oh well. The more time that passes the less it hurts. So come on time… pass.

Anyway… some of the thoughts we started having about integration were… “Are we going to remember everything at once?” “Will there be another breakthrough like the reverse shatter?” “Will we die?” All legit thoughts mind you… don’t forget that we have about 27 different ones living inside with us. “Will we be lonely?” “How will we cope?” “Who will we talk to?” “Will we die?” That one comes up a lot. None of us/them want to be dead. None want to leave… at least most don’t want to. My question is this: Will I, Diana, be the one who is left, or will I disappear? What if it is DieAnne left? Or Heidi? Or even worse… the dead one??? I can feel my heart rate quickening thinking about this in a more concrete way… my breathing becoming more shallow and slow… forgetting to breathe then a little gasp. So we will stop for now with this chapter. It’s as exciting as it is terrifying. So…

until next time…

Diana (August 6, 2015)

8 thoughts on “DBT & DID: Chapter 1

  1. I would hope no one would ‘disappear.’ I’ve told the girls in my wife’s system that I fought too hard to bring them into my family to let any of them disappear. Our goal is simply to break down all the dissociative walls so they can be an ‘integrated group of friends.’ Good luck to you, and I’m sorry about your sisters. Both our families have been less than supportive, so I feel your pain. I hope your brother can make the next one!


  2. wondering about all this—would think some personalities would fade away ; sort of like old friends—this will be an interesting trip for you– The sisters; try not to feel hurt, but don’t pull away yourself–not connecting is more their loss—-you know what is going on they don’t; and are most likely more frightened than anything else–(This said when I do not know anything about the past, and what went on years ago) Wishing you the great strength and sense of purpose it will take on this journey Betty


Comments are closed.