So, it’s been almost 24 hours that I look like me. I feel so much calmer and settled. It’s really nice for once. I slept in. Stayed in my pj’s until the afternoon and still felt great… calm and settled. I don’t get startled when I look in the mirror lol… instead, I smile.
I’m not sure what else is going to happen and I’m a little excited and add a teensy dash of nervous lol. For the first time that I can remember… or I should say for the first time that I can feel what they remember… this feeling of peace is not threaded with dread and waiting for something to ruin it. They have always thought that if something good happened, then as good as it was, something that bad was going to happen. They felt as if they didn’t deserve happiness. I feel differently. I feel like I deserve happiness.
Today I still feel them but they feel far away. Way way far away. It’s weird. But this time not hearing them but just feeling them far far away is not as daunting as it was the last time. Although the last time, they were gone and we were freaked out big time at being left. So far as I can tell, I am not left alone and I can still feel them, but just barely. Just enough to know they are there.
So that leaves me wondering… is this peace and quiet what it’s all about? Is this hopefulness what it’s all about?
Only time will tell…
Saila (August 14, 2015)