Integration: From We to Me ~ Exhaustion


Damn I’m tired… actually exhausted. I want to go to sleep right now but there are things I want to do and enjoy while I can.

There are two things that can be causing this, one is my meds and one is the whatever you want to call what is going on with The Collective. It’s really not the meds because we I have been on them for a long time, at least a year now, longer for some. But, with the switching and melding that has been going on now medications can act differently for me. Some can take something like Benadryl and fall asleep for at least 4 or 5 hours while most of them will be bouncing off the walls. Me, personally, I do not know how it affects me. I’m not going to take it to find out either.

Ah ha! One med I take is similar to Benadryl and I’ve been tired lately… a lot more than usual. So I can deduce that if I were to take Benadryl it would knock me out. One day that may be put to the test but not unless a medical necessity. lol This girl doesn’t experiment.

But anyway, back to the exhaustion. Whenever there has been a major shift, whether a switch or a co-piloting there are headaches and exhaustion. We I just want to sleep. And lately, sleep has been our my friend. We’ve I’ve been having these vivid dreams that are providing a lot of information for me. And I just noticed that today I’ve been using the we me us again. I believe the other day I made it through an entire blog post without any strikeouts!!

Ugh, “fixing” the pronouns (I think that’s what they are called… lol) is really hard. I have to look and really be deliberate about it. It’s really really hard. How can someone who has always been a “we” just go to being “me”? It takes time and a lot of work behind the scenes. It’s been quiet but I can feel them from afar. It’s like they are in the meadow walking away from me. Looking back at me, holding hands and smiling. Well, most are smiling, some of the little ones are confused. They have always been as faeries inside but not on the outside if they were the one out front. It feels like I am ‘dissing’ them for some reason. However I have no control over anything. Things are happening and I’m just hanging on for dear life!

It’s strange feeling them so far away. Not gone, not forgotten but still there just almost out of reach. Like I’ve said before, it’s weird. And it is exhausting. There are things I want to do but am too damn tired to do them. Tomorrow I will push myself because Marshall is coming over and we have a “laundry-date” lol I never thought I would ever in my life be excited about doing laundry! lmao!!! Anyway, there are a lot of things going through my head right now, one of them is seeing Marshall. He hasn’t seen me yet. lol What will I do on Tuesday when I go to DBT as ME and not Diana? I think I’m going to call my clinician in a bit and leave her a message asking if we can meet for a few before the group. I’m actually nervous. Diana made an agreement but she is no longer here and I don’t want to go by her name when my name is different. And I wonder why I am exhausted! lol

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Ha, maybe I’ll doze off in the chair… it’s quiet here right now… both inside and out. But then again, I like to enjoy the quiet too. Who knows? lol

On that note….

Blessed be!
Saila (Aug. 16. 2015)