So, I admit it, I am a little bit intrigued by this process… whatever you want to call it. It is quieter inside, I still feel them although somewhat muffled. It’s, you guessed it, weird. Today was a little nerve-wracking seeing Marshall as Me. All he said to me was “Why do you keep changing your hair?” I just said “Because I changed.” That was it. Now, tomorrow is going to be different because it will be my first time going to DBT looking like me. Not The Body’s first time… we’ve been going for over 2 months now. Well, Diana has been going. She also went to the IOP program prior to that. Diana made an agreement. I didn’t and I don’t want to uphold her agreement. I want to be acknowledged as ME. Saila. Period. But then again, I don’t want to make waves. But more so than not wanting to make waves, I want to be acknowledged.
Actually, I was there this past Thursday when I ‘lied’ in a panic to my Pdoc saying that I was Diana, I still looked like her then. I’m sorry but I was scared. My fear is that I will get booted out of my program. I probably shouldn’t be worried because I didn’t get kicked out after Melany was there that one day a couple of weeks ago. It feels like
we’re I’m doing something wrong, like we are I am ‘dissing’ Diana but we aren’t I’m not. By not saying anything we are I am in a sense dissing myself!
It’s like walking on an old wooden bridge across the ocean at night. The only light to guide me is the moon and the stars. I survive off a hope and a prayer!
Now it is off to bed soon to see what tomorrow brings… I’m a little more confident that I am here to stay than I was yesterday and the day before. Next step is getting people to call me by my name… lol
So, on that note…