Is it me or is it we or us or them and me? or.. or.. or…
My clinician and I are working towards integration and my first step has been using the proper pronoun for one human. Me. I. Not pronouns for many humans. We. Us. It has been hard and it has been weird. Something different than I’m used to. There are times when I am writing and find myself writing “we” instead of “me” or “I”. When I go to “fix” it at times it is like gravity has been turned up and I cannot move the pen on the paper without a lot of effort. Someone is feeling dissed I suppose. But overall, it is helping me to stay me.
I don’t feel a lot of them anymore. Serena for instance, she has been “absorbed” — for lack of a better word. I can feel her qualities but they are not a separate person anymore. Her qualities are mixed in with me. There are others who I do not feel anymore. There are others that I know are still there… waiting and watching. Like Mel. I wonder about Chamille. My thought is that she is also “absorbed” because I can feel her qualities mixed in with mine however, they are muted, but still there.
Maybe I should start looking at this process as solving a puzzle. All the pieces are there. But where do they go? Some are smaller finished puzzles within the big picture… do I take them apart to make them fit in that big picture? Are they supposed to fit? Do I allow someone else to make them fit or convince me they fit? No. I believe they are supposed to fit… in time they will find their place(s).
I have found mine. I think I am the puzzle on the box that is being put together. All my pieces are not yet in place but I am here waiting. I don’t want to be pushed or invalidated or misunderstood. I just want to BE. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. It feels good to have that one “willful” friend that will call me by my name even though Diana is what we are “supposed” to be called in the program. It just feels so good to be called by my name and that is very validating. She knows who she is and we will just call her Jade.
Just knowing that I am using my legal name tells me that I am here digging in my heels. And believe me I have some high heels! No one ever wanted to use the legal name, not like we are anyway. Just to have one name. Ahhh that’s what we want. One person. One name.