In The Shadows ~ Beginnings

Beginnings are apt to be shadowy.” ~ Rachel Carson

When we embark on a new career, open an unfamiliar door, begin a loving relationship, we can seldom see nor can we even anticipate where the experience may take us. At best we can see only what this day brings. We can trust with certainty that we will be safely led through the “shadows”.
To make gains in this life we must venture forth to new places, contact new people, chance new experiences. Even though we may be fearful of the new, we must go forward. It’s comforting to remember that we never take any step alone. It is our destiny to experience many new beginnings. And a dimension of the growth process is to develop trust that each of these experiences will in time comfort us and offer us the knowledge our inner self awaits. Without the new beginnings we are unable to fulfill the purpose for which we’ve been created.
No new beginning is more than we can handle. Every new beginning is needed by our developing selves, and we are ready for whatever comes. ~ Each Day A New Beginning

No lie, beginnings are scary. Endings are scary but they bring us to new beginnings. My beginning is scary. I just called my clinician and told her it was “Diana” instead of me. (This is at her request as well as the agreement Diana made.) She knew it was me but just saying the name “Diana” was like pulling a wad of cotton from my throat. I will acquiesce only because I don’t want to get kicked out of the program. Whether that would happen, I don’t know and I don’t want to chance it either. I get too much help from DBT.

I have to trust. I know this program is doing good for me because we are I am able to begin an integration process… whether it will work or not, how it will turn out…. we I just don’t know. And…. I just saw some things that will need to be struck out and changed lol. Ugh. It’s really hard today to correct the pronouns and I need a coffee break.

In order to have a new beginning you have to take that first step… and that can be the hardest part. Embarking on the new journey requires that first trusting step. I don’t know if using a name other than mine in DBT or other places will help me or hinder but for now… I will trust this shadowy beginning. I also thank God/dess that people are so understanding and accepting of the name changes and most don’t question it. Those that do, I am happy to explain it.

Saila (08.21.15)