Integration: From We to Me ~ Name Game?


Is it a game? Some people may think so but it is no game for me. It is upsetting for me. I hate the switches but thank God/dess that they are becoming fewer and farther between. It is hard on me. I’m the one who has to explain the change. It’s even harder when I blurt out a name that is different from what they are used to… “they” being other people. I look at it as a sign of disrespect when there is a major switch and people refuse to call me by my name. It’s like if you get married, are people going to disrespect you by continuing to call you by your maiden name? If you get divorced and remarried, are people going to continually disrespect you by calling you by your old married name just because they think they can or they think they should be able to? I don’t care if they are comfortable with it or not because they don’t have the respect for me or care how it makes me feel. The ones who continue to use my birth name after I have repeatedly asked them not to… that hurts, it hurts to the core. We do not even speak the birth name. Not even a whisper. EVER. Being called it, or even hearing it is worse than the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard or being caught in a spiderweb.

So why would people continue to do it? (Insist on calling me a different name) I have no clue. To me it is like a punishment. To me it’s like them saying they don’t care how I feel. Them saying someone else agreed to use their name… like Diana… without taking the rest of us in consideration. Sure, she thought she would be here forever, she was even thinking about making her name the legal name but then remembered that we ALL agreed on the legal name back in 2001 and that we would not change it. Simply because each of my alters cannot have their own legal identity. It’s just not possible… well, I’m sure it is possible but not legal.

Yup, there is a bee in my bonnet today in thinking about this. I know it can be frustrating for others but they really need to look at it — or try to look at it from MY point of view. Maybe then they will call me by my name. I can use the argument that they need to because it is my legal name… but that doesn’t get me anywhere. Just more frustrated and angry. Yes, it makes me angry and I didn’t realize that until today. I don’t want to be a multiple but I am. I don’t want to change my name as often as I change my hair but I have to if that hair change happens to be someone else.

How would you feel if someone repeatedly called you by the wrong name even after correcting them many times? How would you feel if you were “forced” to use a different name?

Why can’t people accept me for who I am in the here and now? I can understand it if I changed my name as often as I change my socks… but I don’t. It can be years at a time… and I am feeling very vulnerable right now not wanting to say I or me dammit. I want to say we and us. But I won’t… that much I can acquiesce to. If I can do at least that, why can’t others do for me? If I am willing to try why can’t others??? I will clarify… there are a treasured few who do call me by the right name and I love them for it.

*sigh*

Namasté,
Saila (08.22.15)