Integration: From We to Me ~ Do I…

…firmly stand up for myself or do I do what feels like let people walk over me? {Because it is more comfortable for them? Because they don’t understand? Because they think they can?} Whose best interest do they have at heart? Mine? It doesn’t feel like it. It gets me down. I start to feel like a failure and that this will never “gel”. If I’m doing what I’m supposed to, being encouraged to…. why is it when progress is made are we chastised? All that is doing is making me depressed.

People don’t understand that when The Body’s name is changed, it is changed for months or years at the least. Sure there are times when an alter will pop up and show up for a day or so, even less at times. Those times, we do not change our name or expect anyone to continually call us by that name. For example, Melany went to our DBT group one day recently… she was here for a day or so but we did not expect everyone to call us Melany from that day forward. That is because at times there are ‘short shifts’ and there are ‘long shifts’. The short ones are just that… temporary. The ones where we start hearing a name weeks or sometimes a month or so in advance and there is a furious need to adjust The Face Beyond My Reflection… those are the major changes. Those are the changes we need to take notice of.

Diana came around on October 8, 2013 and she was around for almost 2 years. Prior to that Missy was around for the most part from June 21, 2001 until Diana took over. Now it is me, simply Saila. That’s all. One name. That one name encompasses us all. I’ve been here since August 13, 2015 and I plan on staying around. Now you see why I get so upset when others refuse to use our name? When we are called by the wrong name, it is very invalidating. I’ve used this comparison before… if you get married, go through the trouble of changing or even hyphenating your name, yet there are some in your circle who refuse to use your married name. Or, you have a baby and you name her Janette, yet other people decide that she should be called Angela and call her that. How would you feel? How would she feel as she grows up knowing that her legal name is not good enough for others to respect?

I don’t know what else to say about this, I just know it frustrates the hell out of me and from this point on no matter how uncomfortable it makes things for me, others or both… I am going to stand up for me and say my name as it is and I will correct others if I have to. If I get kicked out of DBT because of it, then I get kicked out. But I will find another program to go to. As a matter of fact, I will start looking just in case that happens. That my darlings, would be the worst possible outcome. Why don’t I just acquiesce and go with the wrong name for the sake of the program? Well, it is not part of my plan for my Life Worth Living. DBT is all about getting a Life Worth Living.

My Life Worth Living includes being called by My Name! (btw – it is also my legal name in case you were wondering)
Saila (08.24.15)