With this integration process I am finding more and more things that I like. Before when I went alone to the gym or took a bus I felt like I was in this bubble and everything else was far away and I was alone in the crowds. Now when I go to the gym or take the bus I feel a part of things. It’s very weird to be able to interact with others, especially strangers! I admit I feel like I am on thin ice waiting for it to crack wide open and swallow me up but each time I get through a social situation I feel that the ice gets just a little stronger.
I look at this huge loss that I had and on the flip side I have a brand new life to start! It is nothing like what I was used to but it is my new life and I like it! Even though I am more dependant, I feel more independent. I am less stressed and the last visit with my doctor showed it… my blood pressure was back down to its low normal range again… without medication yet!
Maybe this integration thing isn’t such the big bad scary thing I thought it would be when my clinician brought it up. Maybe, just maybe it is a big ass part of this Life Worth Living that I am working toward in DBT. Now if only I could get my siblings on board to see what this is all about… *le sigh* Oh well… we have to practice Radical Acceptance there and let what is be what is.
So, on that note..
Saila signing off…