Today I awoke sad. Why? I didn’t know. As the day went on even a call from my girl didn’t completely lift it. So I thought and thought and thought some more… why was I so sad? Why was I thinking about the show The Big C? Then it dawned on me. My mom’s birthday is coming up on the 30th. Why didn’t it click? Well, because the 30th is also my hearing for disability. That was weighing on me.
My mom would be 77 on that day had she lived. I will forever remember her as 42, the age she passed away. I can tell that is what is making me sad, not my living situation because I can feel the tears knocking on the doors of my eyes. However, I will wait until I shower to open those doors. Then I will have privacy. Some years it doesn’t affect me like this and it is just another day that passes. I don’t know why this year is different except that I really needed her this year. Oh Goddess… the knocking is getting harder to ignore… so I will share something that my 19 year old self wrote for her the month she passed away. It’s going to be hard to ignore the persistent knocking now but here it is…
Carol Dziekan ~*~ My Loving Mother
RIP July 17, 1981
~*~ Mom ~*~
A little butterfly floats in the sky.
Someone uncaring captures her, cages her.
Poor little butterfly all alone,
Except when someone passes by on a flowing breeze.
The little butterfly’s spirit thrives on these visits.
Her spirit cannot be broken.
Poor little butterfly, never harmed a thing.
Why you little butterfly so fragile and caring?
Written by ~JCD 7/1981
This was written because we wished we could be there with her all the time but work and life prevented that. I just noticed that I reverted back to using “we” again. I suppose it is to be expected because that was one of the 2 most awful days of my life and remembering her death is horrible. My response could be called feral as it was also when my Pops passed away.
I had mentioned the show The Big C in the beginning of this post and that show was hard, very hard at times, to watch seeing my mom had also passed away from The Big C. It gave me a different perspective of her suffering. It was not simply physically, but she knew she would be leaving behind 4 young children and a loving husband. She would be leaving behind any hopes and dreams she had for us kids. Leaving us behind with only memories and a piece of our hearts broken and forever beyond repair. I never thought of her like that until that show. She was not only my mom, but she was a woman with friends, a family, hopes and dreams that would never be realized. She had to live with that during the 2 years she suffered and finally passed away in her husband’s arms.
So this coming Wednesday will be yet another birthday with unlit candles on an unbaked cake… but in my heart there will be a huge party for her celebrating the life she did get to live!