A Super-Sized Trust Test


Oh boy. I fell asleep last night with thoughts of our new place (Our roommate is moving all of us to  bigger place this month)… if you didn’t know, I lost my home of 15 years to foreclosure back in June of 2015 and since then have been renting rooms for myself and Coco – my cat lol.

"Hehe, you weren't supposed to be home yet."
“Hehe, you weren’t supposed to be home yet.”

Moved 3 times in 9 months and now going on #4. The problem is that as of last night we were all moving to the roommates new bigger place and around 1am there was discussion that lead to an “I want you out…” rampage. So long story short we have to be out and on our own in 2 weeks. The fucking rampage was over juice and respect… I mean come on. It’s just good to know that the roommate is a bit nuts and nasty NOW rather than later. 2 weeks. 2 fucking weeks… and that is if we are lucky.

Anyway… each time I have had to Trust that we would be provided for. Each time we were. It sometimes was at the last-minute but we were provided for. But to fall asleep wondering how our new room will be and be rudely awoken by my boyfriend and our roommate arguing and her showing her true colors was one hell of a shock. Needless to say I was awake until 5am and then dozed off and on until noon.

Definite shock to the system yet again all the while trying to get over this para-flu that is not going away very quickly. Next step is a course of steroids.

So now I must Trust yet again… not a little “I’ll keep my fingers crossed” trust… but the totally giving up control of the issue type of trust… the big kahuna of Trust. My biggest hill to climb type of trust… I can be such a control freak who needs to know everything and every step of everything… yea, I know it’s annoying because it annoys ME lol.

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I will now move on to this Super-Sized Trust Test with a fake it till I make it attitude… I want to trust yet I “need” or should say “choose” to hold on to a chunk of it… at least a little piece? No, it has to be 100%. You have no idea how hard it is after what I’ve been through in the past 9-10 months to let go… ya know there is a lot more to “letting go” than just “letting go”. There are those games that get played… “if only…” that “magical thinking” crapola… they have to be stopped. Before stopping can happen you have to realize that thinking is there. It’s really hard lol… so I think I will just go off and do some thinking and letting go… the real letting go… shooting for the 100% mark!

Until next time….

Namasté…

Saila

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