I Was, I Am, I Shall, I Want To Be…


I know who I was. I’m not quite sure who I am and I have no clue who I shall become. These days I am not even sure I know who I want to be.

You see, I’m being molded into something new. Who I was… is now all memories. Good, bad, glorious, sad, miraculous, devastating, ordinary and extraordinary memories. I could go on but you get the picture.

I can’t go back and relive anything as much as I would like to. If I could, I would really like to pick and choose what I get to relive. Meh, seeing I haven’t finished my time machine, I will have to settle for remembering.

It seems that right now I am being gently pushed and guided through this thing we call Life. It also seems as if I am tasked with learning Patience and Trust. No, it doesn’t ‘seem as if’… it feels like it actually is… I, for whatever reason, really really need to learn Patience. This has been going on at a very intense level for almost 6 months. I need to figure out this lesson because I’m a very impatient person and right now all it is doing is driving me nuts. It’s like this giant boulder I alone must push uphill. For some reason Trust is easier… not by much, but Trust is easier to learn.

I think what I need to do is Trust that I will figure out this Patience lesson in a timely fashion. lol Seriously tho… I do.

I AM confused, dissociated, panicked, hopeless, hopeful, frustrated, exhausted and drained… so hanging onto Trust is about all I can do.

I know that a teeny part of us wants to be a person who learns from her mistakes. I am trying to fan that fire but it is very hard. What ‘I am’ is trying to smother what I want to be… I am doing my best to fight. It seems the motto: “Slow and steady wins the race.” can apply here. (I say a teeny part because it feels as if we are so squished down that we are only this teeny unwanted thing that is trying to push a boulder uphill alone.)

Just to let you know… I see a strong, confident, successful woman when I look into our future through that teeny parts eyes. That is the teeny parts goal. Each bit of progress she makes we grow a tiny bit stronger as a whole.

That teeny part does have some support, we have our son, a couple close friends as well as a wonderful bf who have our back.

So as bad as things are – we will not give up that spark of hope. We will protect it and nurture it and slowly figure out who we are.

Until next time…

Namasté…

Saila

Reiki Hand

Mystical Cats Tarot ~ Five of Sea


Merry Meet!

Have you hit a stumbling block in your life? Are you going to lie down and give up or are you going to stand and fight!? Check what the Five of Sea has to say:

5 of Sea Reversed

Five of Sea:

Cats do not like to fail. Loss of dignity is almost physically painful to us, and when we attempt something that doesn’t succeed, it is made far worse if anyone else sees it happening. This cat has taken an involuntary plunge while fishing. The fish are still there and he can try again, but first he must tend to his dampened spirits and his soggy pride.

The Cat’s Advice:

It’s natural to feel disappointment when you’ve had a setback or rejection, when something you wanted hasn’t come to you yet. Be aware that the story isn’t over. Pull yourself together and try again.

Don’t worry about what others think… one good reason for that is you can’t read people’s minds and they may not even be ‘judging’ you. They have their own issues… sorry to say but you may not be a priority to them. That can be a good thing in your process of letting go. You may feel as if you have failed, but you have not. You are experiencing setback after setback and it’s time you looked at your life without those rose-colored glasses you are so used to wearing. Take a step back and look at your situation objectively and don’t forget to count your blessings. Then you can step up to the plate and hit a home run.

Until next time…

Blessed Be…

Saila