I know who I was. I’m not quite sure who I am and I have no clue who I shall become. These days I am not even sure I know who I want to be.
You see, I’m being molded into something new. Who I was… is now all memories. Good, bad, glorious, sad, miraculous, devastating, ordinary and extraordinary memories. I could go on but you get the picture.
I can’t go back and relive anything as much as I would like to. If I could, I would really like to pick and choose what I get to relive. Meh, seeing I haven’t finished my time machine, I will have to settle for remembering.
It seems that right now I am being gently pushed and guided through this thing we call Life. It also seems as if I am tasked with learning Patience and Trust. No, it doesn’t ‘seem as if’… it feels like it actually is… I, for whatever reason, really really need to learn Patience. This has been going on at a very intense level for almost 6 months. I need to figure out this lesson because I’m a very impatient person and right now all it is doing is driving me nuts. It’s like this giant boulder I alone must push uphill. For some reason Trust is easier… not by much, but Trust is easier to learn.
I think what I need to do is Trust that I will figure out this Patience lesson in a timely fashion. lol Seriously tho… I do.
I AM confused, dissociated, panicked, hopeless, hopeful, frustrated, exhausted and drained… so hanging onto Trust is about all I can do.
I know that a teeny part of us wants to be a person who learns from her mistakes. I am trying to fan that fire but it is very hard. What ‘I am’ is trying to smother what I want to be… I am doing my best to fight. It seems the motto: “Slow and steady wins the race.” can apply here. (I say a teeny part because it feels as if we are so squished down that we are only this teeny unwanted thing that is trying to push a boulder uphill alone.)
Just to let you know… I see a strong, confident, successful woman when I look into our future through that teeny parts eyes. That is the teeny parts goal. Each bit of progress she makes we grow a tiny bit stronger as a whole.
That teeny part does have some support, we have our son, a couple close friends as well as a wonderful bf who have our back.
So as bad as things are – we will not give up that spark of hope. We will protect it and nurture it and slowly figure out who we are.
Until next time…