Have you ever been on the verge of being homeless? Out on the street with all your stuff homeless? I realized recently that I have been uncertain about my living situation for 5 years. I was wondering why I couldn’t feel settled now that I have permanent housing. Still in the back of my mind I am waiting to get kicked out of here.
It started when I made the mistake of calling my mortgage company because I had gotten laid off. They offered a modification to make my payments lower until I started working again. Biggest mistake of my life. If I had never made that phone call my life would be so very different right now. I wasn’t having a problem paying my mortgage but they convinced me that I would so this was my best option. Lies lies lies all lies. Their bumbling fuck ups ended up with me getting served foreclosure papers even though I did everything they told me to do. All water under the bridge now.
From that point on in February of 2011 I feared for my home. I started having panic attacks and was constantly stressed, depressed and anxious. It took 4 years… 4 long dreadfully stressful years but the bank finally kicked me and my son out of our home of 15 years.
My son went to live with his father, me, I bounced around for a year. On the verge of homelessness for a year. Living with relative strangers, getting screwed over and over and over. One roommate was actually getting evicted when she took me on as a roommate and said nothing about it. I found out when her other roommate answered the door to a state marshal serving eviction papers. Had to get out of there quickly. Another roommate decided to lie and tell me we were moving to a bigger apartment in a month… well she and her kids took off out of state and left us and her other roommate there in an empty apartment. Boom! Rush to find housing — again. There were some times I got so low and felt so defeated I just wanted to die. But I pushed on. Every single time. I pushed and pushed. There were many nights though, I went to sleep wondering where I would be sleeping the next night. What was I going to do with no car and nowhere for me and Coco to go. No one could or would take us in. No matter how bad things got I was always left to my own devices.
However… there were many blessings I received. There was always a ‘next place’ for us. It may always have come down to the wire but there was always a next place. I was watched over and protected and that as well as Coco and a few special friends is what got me through this past year especially … alive.
I was blessed to be able to get a car finally. I was blessed to find a longterm motel that allowed Coco to live there too!!!!! We were there for about 3 months. It was a breath of fresh air knowing that I alone was responsible for my housing. No one living with us that was going to pull the rug out from under us anymore.
My trust in the power of faith was tested but I aced that test. I had set a goal that I wanted to be in my own place by July 2016. Exactly one year after losing my condo. People would be on me about looking for housing because it seemed as if I wasn’t doing enough according to them lol. They were afraid I was getting complacent living at the motel and worried that I was just throwing money away. Still I trusted that something would come my way and it would be exactly what I needed. Don’t get me wrong, I did not just sit on my ass eating bon bons. There were many apartments that were investigated but fell through for one reason or another.
Then came the phone call I didn’t even know I was waiting for… a call from the Housing Authority saying they had an apartment for me. I was dumbfounded because last I knew I was #200 and something on the list. This was the best possible outcome for me. I now have a home of my own for us. It is well within my budget, Coco is pretty settled and I am getting there. That nagging feeling that it is all going to be taken from me still lingers but at least now I understand why. I had 5 years, 5 fucking years of hell and uncertainty with the last year being the absolute worst. I made it through hanging on to the one certainty in my life…. my spirituality and faith. Oh, well that’s two. lol I am truly blessed. If you search through my posts you can see where I’ve written about some of the blessings!
Until next time… Blessed Be… Saila